Recently our church held a service to celebrate what God had done over the past year. It was a great time of celebration, with a twist. On that day I brought a message that included something I’ve never done before. I publicly repented.

Up to this point in my 30 years in full-time ministry, when I’ve heard that some pastor publicly repented it meant he’d confessed an affair or some egregious sin. My repentance, however, did not involve outright sin, but very subtle attitudes and behaviors that had sneaked into my leadership.

So, in keeping with the Apostle Paul’s thoughts on repentance in 2 Cor. 7.10, where he writes that Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret….I felt God prompt me to share 10 “I repents” with the church that day. Here they are.

I repent that…

1. I’ve allowed myself to get too comfortable in my Christianity
2. By doing so I’ve encouraged you (the church) to stay comfortable in yours
3. I’ve subtly fostered a consumer mentality (striving to make each week bigger and better and hipper than the previous week so that people will want to consume our spiritual goods rather than go to the other hip churches in our area to consume theirs)
4. I’ve unintentionally prioritized bringing people to the church rather than sending the church to the people
5. I’ve allowed the people pleaser monster to rear its ugly head (Prov. 29.25, the MESSAGE, The fear of human opinion disables…) (more…)

Bill Hull, a leader and writer, shared a profound insight that stirred my heart.  “At age 50 I found myself successful but unsatisfied. I was hooked on results, addicted to recognition, and a product of my times. I was a get-it-done leader who was ready to lead people into the rarified air of religious competition. Like so many pastors, I was addicted to what others thought of me.”[1]

Sometimes I find myself struggling with those same unpleasant struggles Bill described.

A counselor friend helped me understand how our hidden areas influence what we think, feel, and do. He drew a diagram on the white board in my office that psychologists use to help people become more self-aware in their relationships. It’s called the Johari Window pictured here.  (more…)

I’ve served as a pastor for over 30 years in churches as small as 4 1/2 (my wife, two pre-schoolers, and one on the way) to churches that approached 2,000 attenders. The locations have included the far west, the midwest, the south, and the southwest.

A sampling of responses to the question, “How well do you think Charles did?” would include…

• He was great. I’m sad he moved.
• I’m glad he left.
• His preaching really inspired me.
• I just wasn’t getting fed.
• He really cared about people.
• He was distant and unavailable.
• He had great leadership skills.
• He’s no John Maxwell.

If you’ve served in ministry for any time, you’ve probably asked yourself this question, “How well am I really doing?” If you’ve not asked that exact question, I’m sure you’ve secretly asked yourself some pretty probing ones that made you feel guilty.

I’m beginning a blog series on Guilt-producing questions pastors secretly ask themselves and I’d like your help. I’ve listed a few questions below that those in ministry probably ask. What do you think? What would you add to this list?

1. Why do I sometimes want to skip church on Sundays?
2. Am I spending enough time preparing my sermons?
3. Why do people really leave my church?
4. I love my wife deeply. But if I think another woman is attractive, am I crazy? Or worse, am I sinning?
5. Why do I feel like I don’t measure up to the expectations of … the board, my staff, my spouse or …? Is it their problem or mine?
6. Am I spending enough time with my family?
7. Do I pray enough?
8. Does owning nice things like a nice house or a new car or enjoying things like a fancy vacation diminish my example? Is it wrong to have or experience what others in my church have?
9. Why do I often feel anger inside toward people?
10. ????

What guilt producing questions do you think pastors secretly ask themselves? I’d love to hear from you as I begin this blog series.

In entry last year, I wrote about how many pastors suffer with relational anorexia. Pastors can find a cure for this devastating issue when we seek out and find people with whom we can process the pain ministry inevitably brings.

As you consider the traits you’d look for in a safe person, consider these Scriptures and the guidelines they infer, because these people are often difficult to spot.

When Samuel went to look for Saul’s replacement, God told him, Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. GOD judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; GOD looks into the heart.[1]

Outward impressions may belie the heart of a potential safe person, so don’t let a poor first impression turn you off. When David looked for those with whom he’d surround himself, he wrote,  I have my eye on salt-of-the-earth people—they’re the ones I want working with me; Men and women on the straight and narrow—these are the ones I want at my side.[2]

Character and integrity took front and center when he chose his advisors and leaders. He also said, Let the godly strike me! It will be a kindness! If they reprove me, it is soothing medicine. Don’t let me refuse it.[3]

David looked for those with the courage to tell him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to hear. Daniel Goleman (most known for writing on emotional intelligence) wisely notes,

People deprive their co-workers—whether bosses or subordinates—of honest performance feedback for several reasons, chief of which is that it can be uncomfortable to give such feedback. We’re afraid of hurting others’ feelings or otherwise upsetting them. Yet, while we tend to keep the truth about how others are actually doing to ourselves (oddly, not just the negatives, but also the positives), all of us generally crave that kind of appraisal. Candid evaluations matter deeply, in a way that other information does not.[4]

When Paul taught about rights and privileges he said “knowledge makes us proud of ourselves, while love makes us helpful to others.”[5] Someone with all the right replies may not be who you need. Actually, we need those who will ask us the right questions more than those who want to give us answers.

~~~~~

Below I’ve listed several qualities to look for in a safe person. Only perfection, however, will embody them all, so don’t expect to find someone who meets all the criteria. A safe person, however, should evidence many of these.

•        Not a cliché giver, doesn’t over-spiritualize

•        Asks good questions, effectively reflects back what he hears you say, and seeks to understand

•        Believes in you

•        Consistent, a promise keeper

•        Trustworthy, can keep secrets

•        Not afraid of your anger, tears, or other emotions

•        Has his own scars yet doesn’t wallow in his pain; empathetic

•        Around him you don’t feel like a child with a parent but feel you are equals

•        Will genuinely pray for and with you

•        Not critical or judgmental

•        Approachable, vulnerable, humble

•        Wise and discerning

•        Can and will challenge you to get outside your comfort zone

•        Around him (or her if you are a women) you feel comfortable; he’ll let you be on the outside who you are on the inside

•        Won’t try to make you someone you’re not; appreciates the real you

•        Likeable to be around (I can’t overemphasize this)

•        Strong commitment to Christ, helps your commitment to Christ deepen

•        Willing to confront with love and grace, doesn’t flatter

•        Helps you become a better person

•        Doesn’t have a lot of expectations of you

To boil it down, a safe person is one who truly will listen, occasionally offer advice, and consistently will support and strengthen you.

Pastor, I encourage you to find a safe person in your life, sooner than later.

[2] Psalm 101:6, The Message

[3] Psalm 141:5, NLT

[4] Daniel Goleman, 94. Primal Leadership

[5] 1 Corinthians 8:1, CEV

This year, Leadership Network asked about 50 seasoned leaders to share via a short 6 minute video what they had learned from ministry. Such leaders as Wayne Cordeiro, Chip Ingram, David Loveless, Gene Getz, and Carl George gave talks. I was asked to be one of the presenters.

I entitled my talk, Why Pastors are Like Turtles. You can watch it here by clicking here.