You’ve been wrestling with a ministry challenge and you believe you’ve found the right answer. At the next elder meeting you share your idea and one elder begins to voice opposition. Because you feel so strongly that you’re right you begin to raise your voice, talk faster, and talk over others who want to engage in the conversation. Tension escalates. Anger rises. You think, “How dare they think I’m wrong. I know I’m right.”

What happened?

And what should a leader do?

If this has ever happened to you, a small almond shaped structure called the amygdala has hijacked your brain. Located deep inside our brains, it (there are actually two of them) causes our fight-fight-freeze-appease response to danger.

So when you felt threatened from the elder’s pushback, your emotional side took over. And when that happened, the part of our brain that helps you think clearly, respond wisely, and listen carefully, the prefrontal cortex right behind your forehead, got shut down. You reacted emotionally rather than thoughtfully. And when you got too pushy, you probably put the other elder’s brains in the same fight-fight-freeze-appease mode which increased their resistance to your idea.

Unfortunately, many pastors and leaders get stuck in this unhealthy mode. They are driven to be right, to avoid appearing wrong, or to appease others. As a result, too much of the stress hormone, cortisol, courses through their bodies and brains and puts them in a state of chronic stress. Too much cortisol over long periods of time harms our hearts, decreases our creativity and memory, and actually kills brain cells.

When that happens, what can we do?

• Evaluate whether or not you are under chronic stress. If you often feel anxious, react easily, people-please too much, or have difficulty concentrating, your amygdala may be controlling you instead of the Holy Spirit. Your body may be telling you that you need a cortisol break. Ask a close friend or a counselor to help you determine if you’re under chronic stress. Even better, ask him if he feels like always need to be right. Of course, you may not even need anyone to tell you that. You may already know it. A good dose of self-honesty will go a long way toward healing. If you are under chronic stress, create a plan to lessen your stress.

• Remind yourself that God is in control. When the brain experiences uncertainty, (i.e., Will the elders approve my idea?) it feels threatened. When we feel threatened, our emotional side driven by the amygdala tends to take over. Yet, God is the most certain reality in the universe and He tells us to have faith in Him. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Heb. 11.1, NIV) Even with the uncertainty that comes with leadership, we can rely on God’s steadfastness certainty and His Spirit can override our human tendency to become fearful when things seem uncertain.

• Learn to listen more empathetically (i.e., when you present your idea to your board). Empathy, being able to step inside another’s shoes, is a key competency for successful pastors and leaders. One study even showed that empathetic doctors got sued less than non-empathetic ones (Ambady, 2002). It doesn’t mean that you don’t hold to your convictions. It does mean, however, that you try to listen with your heart. Empathy, kindness, and caring can actually help activate the trust hormone, oxytocin. When that happens, when others feel that you care and that you really listen, they will endear themselves more to you and to your leadership.

So, if you have to get hooked on something, don’t get hooked on being right about your ideas, but about being right with others and with the Lord.

What do you think? Am I on target with my thoughts?

Here's another great blog posting on the subject by Judith Glasser.

Related Posts:

• Motivate your Teams with These 4 Neuroscience Keys 
• 7 Rules of Conversations that Make for Great Meetings  

References:

Ambady, N. (2002) Surgeons’ tone of voice: A clue to malpractice history. Available from: [Accessed 27 March 2013].

Ministry burnout, overload, and destructive stress lead to an abysmal survival rate for pastors today.  For 20 years a friend of mine followed 105 pastors and discovered that only half remained in ministry. Many other statistics bear witness to the high fallout rate for pastors. Burnout, moral collapse, and the weight of ministry has shattered many dreams for Kingdom impact.

No pastor ever begins ministry with a goal to end up as a casualty of it. Unfortunately, unless many make systemic changes to their hearts and ministry pace, they too will end up a statistic. But, if you feel yourself on the road to burnout you can change your trajectory through this simple yet life-transforming exercise.

As I begin my new role from serving as a senior pastor to serving other pastors through coaching them and consulting their churches, I've used a tool that many coaches use to help people regain balance. It's called a "Life Balance Wheel."

It had its origins in the Middle Ages when few could read. Etched on many cathedrals, it visually represented the cycle of daily life: happiness, loss, suffering, and hope. For most people life offered little hope and the carved images instructed the common person about the inevitable change process in life.

Today we use the life balance wheel in a more positive way. It takes many forms, but this example captures its essence.

Each piece of the pie represents an area of life. Within that area the scale rates your satisfaction with that part of your life.

Here's how to use it to help regain balance and deal with life's pressures in a more intentional way.

1. Google "Wheel of  Life" and you'll find many free printable templates.
2. After you print it out, circle your level of satisfaction within in each area of your life.
3. Connect the dots to see how balanced or imbalanced you have described your life.
4. Pick one or two areas in which you feel least satisfied.
5. Describe what life would look like if your satisfaction in those areas increased to an "8"
6. List five specific steps you could take in each area that could help you move to an "8"
7. Give each step a specific date when you will take the step.
8. Make yourself accountable to someone to help you regain balance. A good coach trained in the life balance wheel would be a good investment.

This simple tool could have profound implications for your future, your family, and your ministry. Right now schedule an hour this week to complete the exercise and see how God could use it in your life.

In my most recent book 5 Minister Killers and How to Defeat Them I deal with this issue extensively. You can read a free chapter here.

If you've used the life balance wheel before, what have you found helpful?

___

Related post:

• Making the Most of the Next 10 Years: a simple self-evaluation

My wife and I have 3 grown kids. One has survived a brain tumor, one was a straight arrow, and one was a challenge. My oldest daughter Heather (our challenge) even co-wrote a book with me about our experience called Daughters Gone Wild-Dads Gone Crazy.

I've excerpted 5 insights from our book about how to keep your family intact in the pressure-cooker of ministry.

1. resist turning words into weapons.

Heather got me so angry that at times I said some things I wish I had never said. I wish I could have taken back some of those angry words. Prov. 12.18 (NIV-G/K) Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. One psychologist suggested that we wait 30 seconds before responding in an angry situation.

2. stoke the relationship fire with your children to keep the relationship alive.

If you’ve ever gone camping, to keep the fire going you must stoke it, stir it. Often when I was hurt so much, I had to make a conscious choice to reach out to her in tangible ways to let her know that I loved her. Just small things like simple grace gifts kept the relationship alive. Although I stumbled often, Heather later wrote us a letter that really touched our hearts. Here’s what she said.

“Thank you for never closing your heart to me. I wouldn’t be what I am now if you had…I always felt the love of God from you…through your unrelenting pursuit of me in my times of darkness, through your never giving up on me, through everything you did for me in spite of how horrible I was..that’s how God loves us.”

3. No matter how much your children may hurt you, never close your heart to them. At times I felt like giving up on her. But by God’s grace, I kept my heart open to her. I’m glad I did because I got to experience the fruit of reconciliation later.

4. Keep a good sense of humor. Sometimes you simply must laugh between the tears. One night Heather showed up at 4 in the morning as we caught her climbing into the window on the biggest day of the year, Easter Sunday…I had to keep a sense of humor to keep from killing her.

5. Choose your battles carefully and lose some on purpose. Some battles with your children are not worth the fight. On biblical/moral/ethical values: stand your ground. On personal preferences: it’s worth losing some of those. Dress, a clean room, and some music choices are personal preferences. I love what one person said, “if you can cut it off, wash it out, or grow it out, don’t sweat it.

What have you learned that has helped you keep your family intact?

Related post: If you knew you'd never see someone again, what would your parting words be?

God gave us this magnificent creation called the brain.Weighing less than three pounds, it wields incredible influence over how well leaders lead. Although we usually call the brain a computer, it's more like a pharmacy that constantly dispenses drugs (hormones) into our bodies which affects our emotions, our thinking, and our leadership

Dr. David Rock, recognized as one of the leading spokesmen in a new field called neuroleadership wrote the book Your Brain at Work. In it he winsomely describes how the brain works and how it affects leadership. I hightly recommend this book to all leaders, especially pastors.

Essentially, neuroleadership describes how brain function relates to leadership.

Brain researchers have discovered that sustained high levels of hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline affect our ability to think clearly, creatively, and decisively, thus diminishing our ability to lead most effectively.

And how do sustained high levels of these hormones get into our system?

They get there from chronic anxiety, when we face long-term stress. It's akin to a car accelerator getting stuck and revving at high rpm's for a long period of time. If it continues, the engine will wear out prematurely. In the same way, when leaders and pastors stay stressed 24/7, our anxiety, and thus our hormones, get stuck at a high level which dramatically reduces our ability to lead.

Take this simple assessment to discover how many chronic anxiety markers you currently see in your life.

1. I react and act impulsively when people disagree with me
2. I assume the worst and connect dots where there are none
3. I easily get defensive
4. I don't seem to be as creative as I once was
5. I often find myself in a mental and emotional fog
6. I lose perspective easily
7. I don’t listen well to others, not because I don't want to, but because my mind wanders
8. I find it difficult to concentrate
9. I find that others often mirror my defensiveness and reactiveness

Divert Daily

Withdraw Weekly

Abandon Annually

I'm reading David Platt's book, Radical, along with the guys in my two men's groups.

I just returned from a vacation to the beach.

And, I'm feeling conflicted about the effects of my vacation on my spiritual and ministry life.

A pastor I served under at two churches captured the biblical concept of rest in this phrase: Divert daily, Withdraw weekly, Abandon Annually. I believe God wants us to periodically rest. That means He endorses vacations.

But after being in a 'beach' environment for a week, I realize how self-indulging a vacation can become. For many, a vacation becomes a time to eat too much, drink too much, spend too much, and generally indulge too much.

Don't get me wrong. I do love the beach, the sun (I'm from Chicago), the great seafood, and the break from pastoral leadership demands. But I'm wondering if I need to re-frame my future vacations, especially as I'm reading Platt's book.

This quote in chapter 1 struck me.

I could not help but think that somewhere along the way we had missed what is radical about our faith and replaced it with what is comfortable. We were settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves.

So, as I contrast a vacation to spiritual commitment, I'm wrestling with how to make the two biblical concepts compatible so that my vacations lead me to greater commitment to Christ and to more effective ministry.

I'd love to hear what you think.

Related post: 8 Point Checklist for Pastoral Body Care

The following is an excerpt from my just released book 5 Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them available from Amazon.

Pain and ministry go together like peanut butter and jelly. Once you make a PB&J sandwich, there’s no separating the two ingredients. Neither can we isolate successful ministry from the pain it inevitably brings. I don’t like rejection, disappointment, or criticism. I don’t know any pastor who does. Sometimes, however, I do everything I can to avoid them.

A French nun who lived in the late 1800s, Thérèse of Lisieux (known as “the Little Flower”), practiced a simple way to draw closer to Jesus.

It is, in short, to seek out the menial job, to welcome unjust criticisms, to befriend those who annoy us, to help those who are ungrateful.

Thérèse didn’t allow those experiences to help her grow only if they came her way; she actually sought them out and embraced them. As difficult as that seems, perhaps the Lord would want you to consider this unusual tool to help you become a more effective pastor and follower of Jesus.