In my research for my latest book, 5 Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them, I discovered that pastors are often the loneliest people in the church, second perhaps only to their wives.

I interviewed Dr. Michael Ross, Executive Director of The Pastors Institute, who has worked with several thousand pastors in various capacities. He told me that the number one problem pastors face is isolation.

Gary Kinnaman author and former mega-church pastor and Alfred Ellis, author and founder-director of Leaders that Last, an organization for ministers, wrote, "Most people in full-time ministry do not have close personal friendships and consequently are alarmingly lonely and dangerously vulnerable.”[1]

Well known author, Steve Arterburn has observed that “the men in the church who are least likely to have friend connections are pastors.”[2]

Focus on the Family discovered that nearly 42% do not have any accountability partner with whom they meet.[3]

And the Alban Institute, an ecumenical organization that serves thousands of congregations through research and publishing, has learned that pastors tend to seek help from others only when they are in crisis, “rather than allowing these resources to sustain and nourish them consistently.”[4]

In other words, we don’t seek out safe people to help us process ongoing ministry issues until they escalate into major crises. Even then, many pastors suffer alone.

We’ve probably all preached that God created us for deep relationship with others. But just as anorexia (the word actually means “no appetite”) can cause a person literally to feel no hunger even though he is starving, relational anorexia can keep us from feeling our inner hunger for deep relationships. Henry Cloud and John’s Townsend’s Safe People lists these indicators that we might have relational anorexia.

• I am uncomfortable with people and relaxed when alone.
• I don’t get “lonely,” whatever people mean by that.
• I spend time with people out of obligation, or for functional reasons (tennis partner, commuting to work, etc.).
• My fantasies of vacation always involve my doing something fun by myself.[5]

The authors also posed several questions that may indicate major hindrances to healthy relationships. I’ve paraphrased them here.

1. Do you tend to only be a giver in most of your relationships?
2. Do others usually approach you only when they want something from you rather than to simply spend time with you?
3. Do you find it difficult to open up to others?
4. Do you most often choose to be alone to deal with your problems?
5. Do you feel that only God really knows and loves you?
6. Are intimate, two-way conversations with others rare?[6]

So, what should we do if we suffer from relational anorexia? I recommend that every pastor have at least one safe person in his (or her) life with whom they can be honest and with whom they can process their pain.

In my next blog entry I will suggest qualities to look for in such a safe person.

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[1] Gary Kinnaman and Alfred Ellis, Leaders that Last (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2003), 10.

[2] REV.org, “Steve Arterburn Interview: Open Season,” August 2007. http://rev.org/protected/Article.aspx?ID=2519.

[3] Focus on the Family, “Pastoral Ministries 2009 Survey” (of over two thousand ministers), http://www.parsonage.org/images/pdf/2009PMSurvey.pdf, 8.

[4] Michael Jinkins, The Alban Institute, Congregations, “Great Expectation, Sobering Realities: Findings From a New Study on Clergy Burnout,” Number 3, May/June 2002. http://www.alban.org/conversation.aspx?q=printme&id=3284

[5] Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Safe People (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995), 129.

[6] Adapted from ibid.

For more Help and Resources for Depressed Pastors and their wives, visit Pastor Stone’s main site.

Statistics tell us that pastors don't take great care of their bodies. However, if we are to remain effective for the long-haul, we must pay careful attention to taking good care of our bodies.

Answer these 8 questions and determine how well you are caring for your body.

1. Am I keeping my body weight at a reasonable level? Calculate your body mass index here.
2. Do I regularly exercise (3-5 times a week for at least 30 minutes)?
3. Would others say I manage my stress well?
4. Do I do some fun things outside of ministry?
5. Do I take a full day off each week?
6. Do I avoid guilt feelings when I take my day off?
7. Do I take a real vacation each year?
8. Am I able to disconnect from the phone, email, and computer for several hours at a time?

How did you do?

If you answered 'no' to any of these questions, what should be your next step to take better care of yourself?

Related posts: Defeating the demons of discouragement

For more Help and Resources for Frustrated and Discouraged Pastors, visit Pastor Stone’s main site.

H. B. London, VP of Pastoral Ministries for Focus on the Family sends out a weekly email to pastoral leadership. It's quite good.

He gave me permission to post an article from the Jan. 8 edition. Call them 'new year's resolutions' if you like, but what he said made me think as I enter into the new year.

WHAT CAN WE DO BETTER?

With the New Year now a week old, how are you doing? Now, let me ask, what are you doing?

As I begin 2010, I have been asking myself, "What can I do better this year than I did last year?" Allow me to give you a little self-examination exercise:

1. Have you determined to get more physical activity this year than last? Just 20 minutes a day, four days a week, will do wonders for you.

2. Will you do anything about your eating habits? You really do not need to "crash diet" — but simply stay away from overeating sweets, starches, bread and red meat. Just "push away."

3. Have you thought of ways you might be able to adjust your schedule for greater productivity? Pastors have told me lately that making the most of the mornings gives them the greatest advantage. From wake-up through lunch can be your most effective hours.

4. How well do you communicate? I really need to work on this one. "Say what you mean and mean what you say" is a very good credo. Try very hard not to leave people guessing.

5. Put some excitement in your life. Are you in a rut? Do you have variety in your day-to-day routine? There should be.Every day, if possible, you need to experience something new.

6. Quality time: I could really make all of us feel guilty on this one, but are you giving your family the attention they need? If not, schedule them in. Are you spending precious moments with your Lord? Same time, same place, on a regular basis is the very best practice. Give quality time to these two areas and you will reap great dividends.

Well, I just shared with you some gentle suggestions as we come to the close of the first week of the new decade. How are you doing so far? What can you do better? "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth" (2 Tim. 2:15).

You can get it for free here at www.parsonage.org/forms/subscriptions.cfm.

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In my last post I listed 8 evidences that I was letting my ministry get the best of me. As I'm trying to get myself back on track, here's what I'm doing that's helping.

1. I'm REALLY taking a day off (Do you?)
2. I'm reminding myself that the world (and my church) can get along just fine without me taking on everybody else's issues
3. I'm talking less about negative church stuff when I'm at home
4. I'm making my devotional time a priority again
5. I'm checking on Twitter less often
6. If you were trying to get yourself back in balance, how would you complete this list?

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In the 1992 presidential race Ross Perot coined the phrase, "giant sucking sound," to describe his concern that a proposed treaty would cause American jobs to go overseas. I believe it aptly describes how ministry can sometimes feel to church leaders.

Every day church ministry demands that we sooth someone's hurt feelings, solve a ministry problem, seek new ways to grow our churches, or satisfy what seems to be church members' increasing expectations.

Ministry, indeed, feels like a "giant sucking sound" that can suck the life out of us.

Major crises can certainly increase our stress as church leaders. But often lots of small stresses converge at once that unless we see the warning signs, we can end up casualties  of ministry.

Bethany House just published my second book called, Five Ministry Killers and How to Avoid Them based on proprietary research I contracted The Barna Group, LifeWay, and Christianity Today to do for me. Writing that book helped me see some ministry killers and minefields that can hurt a pastor.

Even after writing the book, I still get drawn into that "great sucking sound." Recently several church issues converged at once and I found myself not liking ministry, feeling stressed, and not being a very nice person to be around. I've had to step back and am now trying to re-calibrate my life. My first step has been to take inventory and define reality.

I've listed below what I saw happen to me as I got sucked into ministry stress. As you read these, ask yourself if you can identify with any.

1. I felt like I was skimming my most important tasks as the senior pastor in an attempt to get to everything else that was screaming for my attention.
2. I felt so tired when I got home that I wanted to go to bed at 8.30 every night. Sometimes I did.
3. I easily began to do mind-numbing stuff like look at Twitter every hour.
4. When I went home all I seemed to talk about were the problems at church.
5. What I've always enjoyed doing (looking and dreaming ahead about new ministry ventures) I now had little internal drive and motivation to do.
6. My daily devotions suffered.
7. I felt achy all the time.
8. I felt anger floating just beneath the surface ready to quickly surface when faced with another stress.

If you hear that "great sucking sound" in your ministry, I suggest you take inventory as I did as a first step in gaining a healthy balance in ministry. In my next blog I'll describe what I'm doing to get myself back on track.