Recently I scheduled a plumber to fix minor leaks in some toilets in our home as are preparing to sell our house. My wife was to meet the plumber in my absence and give him the instructions I had given her. At about ten minutes after the appointment time she called and told me that he had come and said the fixes were so simple I could do them. I asked her what he charged us to give us that sage advice. Her response? “$125.” I was not a happy camper.

When she told me that he had left without fixing the toilets and then charged us, my emotions took over. I was ticked off. Livid better describes how I felt. I couldn't even think straight. My wife immediately sensed the anger in my voice and assured me that she’d call him back and have him return to complete the repairs.

After we hung up, I felt bad that I had gotten so angry. I tried to regain my composure because I had scheduled a full day to complete a chapter for my next book. We pastors often want to figure out why bad things happen, so I began to ruminate over the situation, thinking that if I figured it out, I could calm my emotions.

Well, I am anything but a handyman. I can’t drive a nail straight much less fix something as convoluted as a toilet. I imagined myself spending an entire day trying to fix the leaks. I could see myself breaking something worse that would force sewerage back up into the house. And with all the sewerage, we’d never sell the house. And because we couldn’t sell the house, we go into foreclosure and lose the house. And when we lost the house we’d have to live in a van down by the river . . . . Well, maybe I didn’t imagine it that bad. But I did imagine me getting hyper-stressed trying to fix the toilet.

Then I recalled some neuroscience research from Ethan Kross’ on distancing and emotional control. He has discovered a simple technique that helps moderate our anger: take the perspective of a third party observing yourself in the situation that prompted the anger.

When I recalled that research, I now imagined myself physically stepping away from the car, where I got my wife’s call, and watching myself talking to her and getting angry. When I did that, immediately I thought, “How silly to get upset over a leaky toilet.” It was amazing what happened next. That simple mental exercise helped quickly lessen my anger. As a result, I was able to think clearly the rest of the day without any emotional “leaky toilet” intrusions. Kross likens that phenomenon to how a friend can help us calm down by giving us an objective perspective of an emotion causing event.

We pastors often face issues that can make us mad.The next time that happens to you, step back and observe yourself becoming angry. See if the Holy Spirit will give you a fresh perspective and clearer insight to moderate your anger and be a more composed leader.

What has helped moderate your anger in ministry?

Related posts.

• Lessons Learned from Angry Emails
• When Someone Screw up: Reprimand or Look for the Teachable Moment

One of the greatest strengths a leader can posses is his (or her) ability keep his emotions in check. However, when we feel rejected, hurt, or fearful, we often react, get visibly angry, or becoming defensive. Those responses can hinder God’s work in our lives and hurt our leadership. So what can we do?

Scripture consistently speaks against allowing anger (or any other negative emotion) to control us.

• “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,… (Eph. 4.26)
• Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (Eph. 4.31)
• But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. (Col. 3.8)
• My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1.19-20)

But, how do we control these feelings that sometimes spring upon us without our even thinking about them? Often when we feel angry or fearful, we believe that suppressing those feelings will reduce their power. On the contrary, it does the opposite. Neuroscientists have discovered that when we try to suppress an emotion it negatively affects us in two ways.

1. It diminishes our memory and the ability to see and remember details of an event.
2. Most importantly, suppressing the emotion actually does the opposite. Rather than helping us control it, it actually diminishes the internal resources available for us to respond to the situation in a biblical way. Scientists are now discovering what the Bible said long ago: So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. (Gal. 5.16)

The next time one of these emotions begins to control your thinking and behavior, consider apply the steps behind the acronym CART, a simple way to control an unhealthy expression of an emotion.

• “C” stands for change the situation. If you can appropriately change or avoid your situation so that you can avoid what could cause the emotion, do so. This is the easiest way to ‘nip it in the bud’ before it becomes full blown. Recently I became very angry about what someone did. I was not able to remove myself from the situation because the act was done at a distance. So, the issue was in my head rather than in physical close proximity. I had to move to the next step.
• “A” stands for attend to a distraction. If some event prompts one of these emotions, distract yourself. Look for something else to think about or focus on. In the above situation my anger was rising to a boiling point. I then tried to distract myself by listening to an mp3 talk on neuroleadership which somewhat moderated the emotion. However, I kept tuning out the talk and tuning into my internal self-talk that kept the emotion active. I then applied the next step.
• “R” stands for reappraise the situation. After I realized that my mp3 distraction could not consistently lessen my emotion, I sat back in my chair, closed my eyes, and for a few moments thought about what I was thinking about. This is called mindfulness. I then intentionally began to look at the situation differently. I reminded myself that my love for this person should trump my anger toward her. I told myself that my anger would not change her, much less facilitate a reasonable conversation with her about her actions. As I began to mentally prioritize my relationship with her over her action, the emotion’s intensity began to complete this process of regulating this emotion.
• “T” stands for temper my visible response. At first I tried to suppress my emotion, which only increased it (as I mentioned above). However, after I admitted my anger and reappraised the situation (R), the Lord helped me avoid a potentially unhealthy and damaging reaction toward this person.

So, the next time an emotion begins to get the best of you, toss it into a CART.

What has worked for you to control your emotions in a healthy way?

Related posts:

• 5 Animals Pastors Sometimes Act Like
• 9 Signs your Hormones May be Hijacking Your Leadership

Looming over six feet tall with a scraggly beard, wire-rimmed glasses, a 12 inch ponytail tied with a rubber band, and a vest dotted with military patches, George would be at home riding a Harley with a motorcycle gang.

Instead, he holds a clear plastic jug plastered with yellow smiley-face stickers and filled with dollar bills. And he enthusiastically says, "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Have fun! Want a sticker?"

George is my favorite Wal-Mart greeter.

My second favorite is Jimmy. Unlike George who stands, Jimmy sits...in his motorized wheel-chair. His physical disability keeps him from standing or even holding one of those charity jugs. Yet, with the same exuberance, he makes you feel good with his, "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Thanks for coming."

I don't know how well the following statement would hold up under a scientific study, but I believe it to be true. Shoppers who meet George and Jimmy as they arrive buy more stuff at Wal-Mart than those who meet other greeters who, for the sake of not being too harsh, come across with much less enthusiasm.

Both George and Jimmy use their leadership mirror well.

What is a leadership mirror? It's a concept rooted in science and in the bible.

In 1995 an Italian neuroscientist  discovered what are called 'mirror neurons' in our brain. Essentially, a part of our brain lights up when we sense intention behind another's action. When that part of our brain turns on, we feel a connection to that person. Their actions activate our mirror neurons. For example, when someone smiles at us, it drives the same motor response on my face. We smile. That experience then sends signals to our emotional center so that we share a positive emotion with the person. The strongest emotions we portray ripple out to others, whether those emotions are good or bad.

Before scientists discovered these mirror neurons, the bible already had. Remember what the writer of Proverbs wrote?

Prov. 15.1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 

That explains that if when I go to Wal-Mart and either George or Jimmy is on duty that day, I have a better experience shopping. They have used their leadership mirror well, even though they probably don't even know it. Their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice have become a mirror to me that I subconsciously reflect back to them which in turn affects my behavior and emotions.

This concept profoundly impacts our ability to lead as well. When we use our leadership mirror effectively, team attitudes and performance improves. When we don't, the opposite occurs. Just think about how you feel the next time you go to Wal-Mart and encounter a dumpy, negative, sleepy-faced greeter versus a George or a Jimmy greeter.

Consider these questions and ask yourself if you need to polish your leadership mirror.

1. Am I keenly aware of how I come across to those I lead with my body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice?
2. Do I consistently portray a positive upbeat tone to others?
3. What is my default facial expression... a scowl or a smile?
4. Do I consistently show up the same way each day at the office or do I leave people asking, "I wonder which boss is showing up today, the mad, sad, or happy one?"
5. Do I attempt to truly be present with others in the moment or do yesterday's events, today's task list, and tomorrow's problems distract me from fully engaged interactions?

If we as leaders pay a bit more attention to our leadership mirror and use it well, we not only can increase team performance, but can actually bless those on our team as we help them activate their mirror neurons for the good.

Lately, how have you used your leadership mirror?

Related post: How's your Leadership Character? 8 Indispensable Qualities.

This week I'm posting a series of blogs about how pastors respond when people in their church compare their leadership and preaching to others or when they brag about another church by insinuating that we don't measure up

Yesterday I posted 5 ways we should respond when we feel compared to others more 'successful' than us.

Today, we're looking at really bad ways to react when someone in your church compares you to others. I've listed five unhealthy reactions here.

1. Find something about the other 'guy' to criticize, like, "We'll, I've heard he's a real jerk when he's one-on-one with other people."
2. Tell the other person that maybe they need to start attending that church.
3. With a sarcastic tone tell that person, "Thanks, I really needed that!"
4. In your mind, beat yourself up about what a failure you are.
5. Go home and overeat, take your anger out on your spouse and kids, or look at pornography.

Most pastors and leaders count on email to communicate. We can't make a call or schedule a meeting each time we need to tell a fellow staffer or leader something. I send scores of emails and receive upwards of 100 each day. I don't know what I'd do without it.

But sometimes email has not served me well.

Recently I began an email conversation with one of our pastors who leads our missions efforts. We began serving overseas in Nicaragua about a year ago and it has captured the hearts of many in church. I've been there four times and look forward to many more trips. One of my passions is to serve the pastors there by teaching seminars on how to be a godly leader, how to lead well, how to motivate your church to reach others, etc.

We just began planning for one coming up and one of the first steps was to create a budget. A church member who serves as the lay leader of our mission team crafted a first draft budget which came out a bit too high. In my mind, it was a first step: get a draft budget first and then begin to adjust the cost to to fit within our available funds.

Well, the pastor in charge saw the budget (copied via email) and sent me an email that this surprised him. I assumed that serving the pastors surprised him. I sent a quick email back (in frustration) that I was surprised he was surprised because I had been clear about my desire to server the pastors. He then sent me an emotional email and after a couple more emails back and forth, we were ready to declare war on each other. We both thought, "what is wrong with this guy."

The next day we talked by phone and realized that each of us had totally misunderstood each other. It was the proverbial Mar-Venus issue. He assumed one thing and I assumed another. We resolved what could have been a severe blow to our relationship in a few minute phone conversation.

Here are some lessons learned plus a few more about using email.

1. Never send a first draft email you've written in anger. Set it aside and re-write it, several times, removing emotion laden language.

2 . If an email exchange begins to escalate in tone, stop and call or meet the person.

3. Realize that the human mind will usually assume the worst-cast scenario when an email is misread.

4. UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR EMAIL TO SHOUT, DON'T USE ALL CAPS OR USE !!!!!!!!

5. Keep emails short. Think about it. When you get an email that goes off the page, are you inclined to read it?

This site that offers 101 email tips.