This is an excerpt from my book 5 Ministry Killers that appeared in the spring, 2010, edition of Leadership Journal.

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Pastor John was just finishing a long Sunday morning. With a weary “pastor’s grin” on his face, he chatted with those who lingered. He was tired, hungry, and ready to go home, when two women approached—one he knew was never happy. Her friend said, “Pastor, Ann here wants to tell you something that happened this past week.”

He thought, Wonderful, just what I need, another disgruntled member. But with a practiced caring tone he asked, “What happened?”

The veins in Ann’s neck swelled as she blurted, “I want you to know that I left three voice mails with the youth minister to talk to him about a problem I’m having with my son. And he never called me back. That so-called youth minister of yours is not doing his job. My son needed help, and he didn’t even care enough to call me back.”

John’s face flushed, and he slowly responded: “Ann, I’m sure Pastor Jimmy tried to call you back and wasn’t able to reach you. I will check with him and have him call you again tomorrow. I’m very sorry the two of you didn’t connect.”

She retorted, “Well, I’ve decided I’m going to another church where the pastors care about people.” She crossed her arms and stood with a what-do-you-think-about-that stare.

Stifling the urge to give her a karate chop, he cleared his throat and answered, “Okay, Ann, I understand your concern, and you must do what you feel is best for your family. But I will get to the bottom of this.”

She spun around and stormed off. Her friend grimaced and followed sheepishly.

For several days John mulled over this encounter and kept his pain to himself, even after discovering that the youth pastor had indeed attempted to contact Ann.

The worst was yet to come. Later that week he received a call from a woman with whom he’d often faced conflict. She was a bit of a drama queen, and her family was the church’s biggest giver. She requested a meeting to “discuss an issue.”

(more…)

This week I’m posting a series of blogs about how pastors respond when people in their church compare their leadership and preaching to others or when they brag about another church by insinuating that we don’t measure up

Yesterday I posted 5 ways we should respond when we feel compared to others more ‘successful’ than us.

Today, we’re looking at really bad ways to react when someone in your church compares you to others. I’ve listed five unhealthy reactions here.

1. Find something about the other ‘guy’ to criticize, like, “We’ll, I’ve heard he’s a real jerk when he’s one-on-one with other people.”
2. Tell the other person that maybe they need to start attending that church.
3. With a sarcastic tone tell that person, “Thanks, I really needed that!”
4. In your mind, beat yourself up about what a failure you are.
5. Go home and overeat, take your anger out on your spouse and kids, or look at pornography.

Although I’m not a physician, as a pastor I’ve learned a lot about the brain through my youngest daughter’s five brain surgeries. Imagine a tootsie roll pop with two centers. Pretend the inner center is a sweet tart surrounded by the gooey tootsie roll that in turn is surrounded by the hard outer candy. Our brains include three parts, like our imaginary tootsie roll pop.

The inner core, called the reptilian brain regulates such functions as circulation and respiration. It’s on automatic pilot. Let’s say you’re sensitive to criticism about your preaching and in a conversation one of your leaders makes this comment. “I sure wish you’d go deeper with your Bible teaching. I’ve talked to a lot of people who are thinking about leaving because they aren’t getting fed.” I don’t think I’ve ever met a pastor or any leader who hasn’t heard a comment like that. If you’ve allowed chronic anxiety to build up inside, you might immediately react without thinking by sarcastically blurting, “I’m doing my best and if they want to leave, I’d be happy for them and me.” Such a comment threatens you and you adapt to this threat from the automatic process of the reptilian part of your brain. (more…)

Each week pastors sit on the hot-seat. We preach sermons in which we invested hours to people who don’t have to be there. We hope what we say helps people grow, helps our churches grow, satisfies our influences, and most of all, honors God.

But what happens when someone, especially an influencer, doesn’t like our performance as a leader or communicator? Or, what if they simply don’t like us?

When that happens, it’s easy to become defensive when those people tell us what they don’t like. When I’ve become defensive, I end up the loser. When I don’t, although I may not change his or her opinion in the conversation, I actually win because the other person feels like I listened. Often, I can take a grain of truth from them and realize a growth area for me.

Below I’ve listed 5 responses that make things worse when someone criticizes us or tells us something about our performance that we’d rather not hear.

1. Cross your arms in the defensive posture.
2. Quickly interrupt them.
3. If they tell you that you are being defensive, disagree with them.
4. Bring up lots of facts that prove your point and disprove theirs.
5. Send them an angry email later.

On the positive side, what has helped you become less defensive?

Related posts. How to Deal with Criticism

Great article on criticism by Tim Keller here.