If you are a pastor or lead people in any way, criticism is a fact of life. We can learn from our critics or we can turn criticism into carnage.
Here are five ways to do that.
One well-worn adage reads, “The two things you can’t avoid in life are death and taxes.”
I’d like to suggest one more, for those in ministry.
The two things pastors can’t avoid are…
people late to the service and…
critics.
Having served in full-time ministry for 30 years, I’ve experienced my share of critics. I’ve responded well to some and not-so-well to others. When I’ve sensed a good heart from the critic, I tend to respond with more grace.
As Abe Lincoln said, “He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
Here are 10 ways I’ve learned to respond to my critics (actually 9, I’d love to hear your 10th).
Related posts.: How to Deal with Criticism. In this article I suggest a simple acrostic in responding to critics…LEARN
Recently I’ve been reading a lot about how to view problems in ministry and leadership through a different lens. A concept developed in the late 50′s and 60′s by a psychologist, Murray Bowen, has shed some brilliant light on the subject for me; so brilliant, in fact, that I wish I understood this concept 25 years ago. Had I learned it and applied it then, I could have saved myself a lot of grief as a pastor and as a father. The concept is called family systems. Don’t let the title fool you, though. It’s not all about your immediate family. This concept has profound implications for leadership in the church. I’m planning to write my next book using family systems as the backbone.
One of the best writers on the subject, Peter Steinke, a Christian psychologist, wrote the book How Your Church Family Works. It’s a great primer on family systems that directly applies to churches.
At the core of family systems is understanding emotional process and specifically, how we manage our anxiety, a term used for any negative emotion. In one of Steinke’s chapters he writes about those who criticize us. When I read his two paragraphs I paused and said to myself, “Wow. I’ve never heard it put that way before.”
Read it below and tell me how it hits you.
Pursuit behavior is any behavior that overfocuses on another person….
By far the most difficult form of pursuit behavior to recognize is criticism. How can those who act adversarially be said to be in pursuit? We feel alienated, not close. But the criticism is characterized by overfocus. The “stinger” and the “stung” are emotionally connected. Whenever a gnawing critic gets inside our brain cells and we can’t expunge him, we are connected, even if negatively. Whenever someone gets under our skin, we are infected with anxiety. If we are reactive to a pursuer, the pursuit behavior achieves its goal: connection. Strange as it sounds, the critic wants to be close. After all, if we can’t be close through play, ecstasy, touch, and nurture, our only option to accomplish closeness is through angry outbursts, specious charges, or harsh accusations. People feel close to us when they know we are thinking about them. What we think is not as important as that we are thinking of them. We play into the hands of the criticizer when we react to their invasion rather than define ourselves to it. (p 88 of How your Church Family Works).
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Related posts:
Each week pastors sit on the hot-seat. We preach sermons in which we invested hours to people who don’t have to be there. We hope what we say helps people grow, helps our churches grow, satisfies our influences, and most of all, honors God.
But what happens when someone, especially an influencer, doesn’t like our performance as a leader or communicator? Or, what if they simply don’t like us?
When that happens, it’s easy to become defensive when those people tell us what they don’t like. When I’ve become defensive, I end up the loser. When I don’t, although I may not change his or her opinion in the conversation, I actually win because the other person feels like I listened. Often, I can take a grain of truth from them and realize a growth area for me.
Below I’ve listed 5 responses that make things worse when someone criticizes us or tells us something about our performance that we’d rather not hear.
On the positive side, what has helped you become less defensive?
Related posts. How to Deal with Criticism
Great article on criticism by Tim Keller here.
One well-worn adage reads, “The two things you can’t avoid in life are death and taxes.”
As a Pastor, I’d like to suggest one more, for those in ministry.
The two things pastors can’t avoid are…
people late to the service and…
critics.
Having served in full-time ministry for 30 years, I’ve experienced my share of critics. I’ve responded well to some and not-so-well to others. When I’ve sensed a good heart from the critic, I tend to respond with more grace.
As Abe Lincoln said, “He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.”
Here are 10 ways I’ve learned to respond to my critics (actually 9, I’d love to hear your 10th).
10. Fill in the blank. Tell me how you’ve responded to your critics with a comment.
Related posts.: How to Deal with Criticism. In this article I suggest a simple acrostic in responding to critics…LEARN
I leverage my 30 years as a pastor to coach pastors to lead well and avoid burnout. I also consult churches and speak on leadership, strategic planning, and vision development.
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