I’m learning coaching fundamentals through the Professional Christian Coaching Institute’s 13-week intensive tele-class. I’ll soon begin a new ministry helping senior pastors in mid-sized churches lead at their best. (If you are a senior pastor and would like more info about my coaching, leave me a comment here or email me at chucks9886@gmail dot com.)

This course has been invaluable. One of my teachers, Anne Denmark, professionally coaches church leaders and trains speakers. As a highly credentialed and experienced coach she shares her insights on her blog.

Recently she sent our class nine basic principles of adult learning. As I read them, I realized how each could apply to my sermon prep and delivery. Here they are.

Nine Basic Principles of Adult Learning

1. Recency – what is most recently learned is best remembered.
2. Active Learning – people learn best by “doing” through active involvement and participation. Confucious said,  “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand”
3. Multi-Sensory –  taking information in through all five senses increases learning.
4. Primacy – what you learn first you learn best – put most important points first (the need to know first) and then put the least important ones last (the nice to know) last – tell people your objectives up front.
5. Two- Way Communication – ask questions every 1½ minutes to keep learners alert and thinking.
6. Feedback – check in to see if they are understanding the material.
7. Appropriate – people learn by attaching new information to something they already know.
8. Motivate – give adults the reason the learning will benefit their life – their need to know – make it practical enough to take it home and use it.
9. Exercise – apply what you have learned as soon as possible. If you do not do this within 6 hours, 25% will be forgotten. If not applied within 24 hours, 67% will be forgotten. If not applied within 6 weeks, 90% will be forgotten.

How can these adult learning principles guide your sermon prep and preaching? Would you add a tenth?

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Related posts:

• iPad Preaching with a Virtual Whiteboard
• 5 Reasons Pastors Should consider Sermon Prep Outside the Office

Journaling, a classic spiritual discipline, keeps me spiritually sharp in these ways.

1. I can record what God is doing in my life.
2. I can cut and past key scriptures from my bible app, Olivetree.
3. I can process my frustrations and get them off my mind.
4. I can look back over the past to see good or bad trends in my life.
5. I am leaving a record of my life should my kids and their kids and their kids’s kids want to read about me when I’m gone.

The new app I use is DayOne. I’ve used several journaling apps before and this one tops the list for these reasons.

1. It’s available on my Mac, iPad, and iPhone and it syncs via DropBox (or iCloud).
2. Because it’s on all three, I can add to that day’s journal at any time (I’m never without either my iPhone or iPad).
3. It’s simple and intuitive.
4. It provides a calendar so I can see what days I journaled (and the days I skipped).
5. It allows me star an entry that I want to stand out.

Check out the tool and see if it helps you.

Also, do you recommend any apps that have helped your walk with Christ?

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related posts

• the iphone app that improved my ability to concentrate
• How an iPad Improved my Devotional Life

The last chapter is worth the price. The authors give ten traps for new leaders by playing off the book Why Smart Executives Fail by Sydney Finkelstein where those authors list seven destructive behaviors leaders in failing companies show.

Below, I’ve tweaked those 10 to make them applicable for ministry leaders.

A pastor can fail if he…

1. sets expectations too high (by never meeting them) or too low (and thus disappointing high performing leaders in the church)
2. makes rash decisions or suffers from analysis paralysis
3. appears to have all the answers
4. ties his or her identity too closely to ministry success
5. fails to see reality (remember the fable ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes”)
6. squashes dissenting opinions
7. doesn’t keep his role in context (remember, we are not the savior, Jesus is)
8. misses who really holds the power (just because power roles are written down somewhere does not mean they reflect who really holds the power)
9. tries to win every battle
10. bad-mouths the previous pastor or ministry leader

What would you add to this list?

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Related posts:

• The four steps to moral failure
• 5 bad ways pastors react when compared to those more successful

1. What’s working for you now?
2. What’s not?
3. What really excites you about the situation you now face?
4. What scares you?
5. How would you know if you made the right call in this situation?
6. What has NOT worked for you in the past in similar circumstances?

Have you found any other key questions that get others to think for themselves?

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related post: The well placed question: an often overlooked leadership tool

Gary Collins, one of Christian coaching’s gurus gives these 8 reasons why anyone would want a coach. I see great applicability for anyone in ministry. Here’s what he writes when he answers the question, “why would anybody want a coach?”

1. get unstuck
2. build your confidence
3. expand your vision
4. fulfill your dreams
5. unlock your potential
6. increase your skills
7. move through transitions
8. take practical steps toward your goals
9. ???

—-

related posts: Do pastors need a personal coach

I was coached a few years ago and didn’t feel it helped much. However, I didn’t give up on the concept and pulled the trigger recently to get this training.

Today my instructor clarified the distinction between several people helping practices when she used this bicycle riding metaphor.

If someone asks, “I want to learn to ride a bike?” these four people helpers would answer in these distinctive ways.

• A therapist would ask, “Why do you want to ride a bike?”
• A mentor would say, “Watch how I ride a bike and do what I do.”
• A consultant would say, “Here is what you are doing wrong and what you can do differently to ride better.”
• A coach would ask, “Where do you want to go?”

I loved the forward direction this coaching definition clarified for me.

Have you ever been coached? What did you learn from the experience?

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Pastor John was just finishing a long Sunday morning. With a weary “pastor’s grin” on his face, he chatted with those who lingered. He was tired, hungry, and ready to go home, when two women approached—one he knew was never happy. Her friend said, “Pastor, Ann here wants to tell you something that happened this past week.”

He thought, Wonderful, just what I need, another disgruntled member. But with a practiced caring tone he asked, “What happened?”

The veins in Ann’s neck swelled as she blurted, “I want you to know that I left three voice mails with the youth minister to talk to him about a problem I’m having with my son. And he never called me back. That so-called youth minister of yours is not doing his job. My son needed help, and he didn’t even care enough to call me back.”

John’s face flushed, and he slowly responded: “Ann, I’m sure Pastor Jimmy tried to call you back and wasn’t able to reach you. I will check with him and have him call you again tomorrow. I’m very sorry the two of you didn’t connect.”

She retorted, “Well, I’ve decided I’m going to another church where the pastors care about people.” She crossed her arms and stood with a what-do-you-think-about-that stare.

Stifling the urge to give her a karate chop, he cleared his throat and answered, “Okay, Ann, I understand your concern, and you must do what you feel is best for your family. But I will get to the bottom of this.”

She spun around and stormed off. Her friend grimaced and followed sheepishly.

For several days John mulled over this encounter and kept his pain to himself, even after discovering that the youth pastor had indeed attempted to contact Ann.

The worst was yet to come. Later that week he received a call from a woman with whom he’d often faced conflict. She was a bit of a drama queen, and her family was the church’s biggest giver. She requested a meeting to “discuss an issue.”

She and her husband arrived at John’s office, and after a few pleasantries she explained that Ann had called her about the recent conversation. Ann was “very upset” because John “hadn’t been responsive to her need.” John tried to explain what happened from his perspective, but her mind was made up. With dramatic flair, she swept her arms outward, and her voice quivered as she said, “Why didn’t you just reach out your arms and give her a big hug?”

John’s puke level rose to Orange. He didn’t know what to say except “I’m sorry she felt the way she did.” This ended the conversation.

As John sat in his office chair that night, his emotions roiled. After he breathed a short prayer he went home. His wife asked how his day went, and he replied with a less-than-forthright “Okay. Nothing much out of the ordinary.” He didn’t want to burden her—she too had often endured the ire of the drama queen. He wished he knew someone with whom he could process his pain.

For the next two weeks, he spent the bulk of his quiet time praying about this disappointment.

John’s story illustrates what recent research has discovered to be one of the two most common ways pastors handle these issues—by ourselves and in prayer.

We all unconsciously turn to our default responses when we face ministry tensions. Often those instincts are one-sided. Harboring pain privately can be a ministry killer.

Common responses of pastors

The Barna Group research probed what we pastors do in response to our frustrations and disappointments. They asked: “Think back to the last time you felt disappointed or frustrated with people in your congregation. What did you do—if anything—to address the challenges you faced?” The pastors could mention anything that came to mind.Here are the top ten responses:

• Prayed about the issue (37%)
• Confronted the issue immediately (34%)
• Had someone on ministry team/board/staff deal with the issue (15%)
• Looked for Scripture to address, solve the problem (14%)
• Sought counsel from someone I trusted (10%)
• Talked with the person (9%)
• Confronted the issue eventually (9%)
• Addressed it from the pulpit/in a sermon (4%)
• Had a council meeting/board meeting (2%)
• Self-examination (2%)

Survey research in general shows how people want to be perceived and may not always reflect an objective reality. Nevertheless, this provides a snapshot of how pastors perceive themselves responding to issues.

These and the other responses I’ve observed can be combined into several helpful categories. Let me use some animal characteristics to highlight the implications of these responses (but please don’t press the metaphors too far).

The Sloth: stay detached

Several years ago I took our family to Georgia’s Callaway Gardens to visit the Day Butterfly Center. Inside a large, temperature-controlled glass building, visitors walk along paths to enjoy butterflies that fly around freely and even land on people. I enjoyed our excursion, but what interested me most was the challenge given by one of the guides: “Look up in the trees and see if you can find the sloth.” After half an hour, I finally spotted him clinging to a branch about twenty feet above my head.

A placard explained that sloths rarely move and only come down to poop. “Passive, detached, and unaware” best describes them.

Some pastors respond similarly to ministry frustration. In the survey, when added together, the categories “did nothing,” “no problems/disappointments,” and “not sure” equaled 13 percent. Among pastors, more than one in ten defaults to an unhealthy disregard for—or detachment from—a potential ministry killer. If you’re in this group, I hope you’ll own up to your responses to frustrations, even if you deny you have any.

The Skunk: leave the mess to others

One weekday morning as I arrived at church, I parked my truck about 50 feet from the door and began walking. About ten feet from the building, I noticed something. At first thought it was a cat. Then I saw it actually was a full-grown skunk that noticed me too.

I froze in my tracks, but he slowly lifted his tail as our eyes locked. As I edged away I claimed the promise of Psalm 91:10—”There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.”

I didn’t exactly quote that, but I sure was namin’, claimin’, and prayin’. After the skunk saw I was giving him his space, he sauntered off without incident.

Had God not answered my prayer (or had I not moved back), the skunk scent would have made me a very unpopular pastor for a few days. Again, don’t press the image too far, but some pastors respond to their frustrations by handing off their stinky issues to somebody else (see the third-largest category at 15 percent). Certainly in some cases we should delegate problems to others. But other times we delegate to avoid uncomfortable conflict we rightfully should face ourselves. When we do, we truly are missing opportunities God is giving us to grow.

The Hawk: look through a window, not in a mirror

On my way to the gym each day, I drive by a large open field. Often I see a hawk perched on a telephone pole, staring out into that field. I’m no ornithologist, but I know hawks have keen eyesight and love to eat mice. They constantly look for unsuspecting prey.

In the research, one tiny statistic revealed a most disconcerting discovery. Down the list of responses to ministry frustrations, number ten was “self-examination.”

Only two out of a hundred pastors responded to their frustrations by looking at themselves as contributing to the problem.

Like the hawk, many of us keenly look outward but don’t peer inward to see how we may be complicit in our struggles.

David Kinnaman, writing about the research, said: “Leaders exhibit very limited capacity or willingness to self-examine. This is not entirely unexpected; it’s human nature. Yet pastors rarely suggested that they look inward as part of their solution to challenges.

“Virtually none of the 615 leaders we interviewed said that their frustration or disappointment is that they can’t lead their people better—or considered that the commitment vacuum displayed by their congregants might somehow be a reflection of inadequate leadership.”

This reminded me of an insight taught by Jim Collins, who uses a mirror and a window as metaphors to teach a quality of great leaders.

Superb leaders don’t look out the window to blame others. They look in a mirror to take ownership when things don’t go well. They look out a window to praise others when things do go well.

Ignoring this could easily become a ministry killer as others begin to see us either as blamers or as shirkers.

The Turtle: hide behind spirituality

I love turtles, especially box turtles. I’ve probably saved half a dozen from getting pancaked when I’ve pulled over and jumped out of my car to rescue one ambling across a road. I even kept a pet box turtle in my backyard when I was 40 years old. I used the excuse that it was my son’s.

Any kid who’s ever had a box turtle knows what it does when you pick it up: It instantly pulls its head and legs into its shell to hide. In similar fashion, sometimes we pastors duck our frustration by retreating into our spiritual shells. At first blush, the 37 percent who prayed about their frustrations look quite spiritual. But at times prayer can become an excuse to avoid dealing with issues at hand. When “pray about the issue” is combined with “look for Scripture to address/solve the problem,” the percentage jumps to over 50 percent who choose private spiritual means as their default response.

I laud pastors who do this. However, a deeper look reveals something else. The Barna Group’s written analysis noted: “The clear picture that emerges from this is that pastors generally solve problems with one extreme or another—either through ‘human’ effort to confront the problem, or through ‘super-spiritualizing’ the issue—but rarely through both. Many pastors ‘hide’ behind prayer ….”

The Lion: comfortable in my own skin

We give lions an honored position: “King of the Jungle.” I understand why; I’ve had a lot of experience with the behavior of lions. (Well, I watch The Discovery Channel, and I saw Lion King twice.) Although I’ve never personally encountered one, I know lions roar a lot, exude self-confidence, lie around a bunch, and usually get their way. As a leader I hope I exude appropriate self-confidence. And I do like getting my way.

Over a third of the pastors indicated that when faced with frustration, they immediately confront the issue. Although some issues do warrant a quick, self-confident response, many should lead to a more thoughtful and deliberate approach. Unfortunately, we may over-lean on our strength, as the researcher’s analysis noted. “Many pastors … are a little too comfortable in their skin, without relying on prayer and self-examination to give spiritual context to their confrontations.”

Although I tend to be a turtle by handling my hurt in private and in prayer, I’ve also roared too quickly at someone who ticked me off. I’ve verbally fired back in defensiveness at someone who criticized me, or shot back an instant email only to regret it later. Moses, reacting in anger, murdered an Egyptian, and then looked over his shoulder for the next 40 years.

Healthy hybrid of lion and turtle?

Since the research indicates most of us respond to frustration with one of two extremes, can we achieve a healthier balance? Granted, it’s tough to respond appropriately in the moment. Sometimes we should just pull away, pray, and believe that love will cover a multitude of sins. If we’re too quick to respond, we may miss the gentle voice of God’s Spirit tempering our response. But prayer should never become an excuse to shirk conflict, and sometimes we must quickly confront an issue before it gets out of control.

The Barna Group’s analysis also observed: “A surprisingly small percentage said they both prayed and confronted the problem right away—a dual-pronged approach that was identified by just 11 percent of pastors. Even if we are generous in our definition and include any pastor who confronted the problem eventually or ‘talked with the person,’ only 14 percent of all pastors said they did this type of face-to-face interaction along with prayer.”

Kinnaman summarized well this tension between the lion and turtle responses: “Prayer is great, but is it a means to hear from the Holy Spirit or a way to delay a decision or a confrontation? I think it’s interesting that many pastors are likely to suggest passive or even passive-aggressive methods of dealing with interpersonal problems. And many of those who say they confront something immediately do so without prayer, Scripture guidance, or input from advisors. In other words, few pastors follow a biblical process of dealing with conflict.”

I don’t want to unduly criticize pastors. I am one! Probably no other vocation places a greater expectation on a leader to balance confrontation and self-confidence with spiritual restraint and humility.

We’re under constant scrutiny. Intentionally or unintentionally, people develop higher standards for us than they do for themselves. Often they expect us to be faultless, yet we know we can never perfectly handle our frustrations.

Ministry tension comes with the territory and will never go away this side of heaven. What bothers us and how we respond should clue us in to what saps our joy and energy. If we want to stay healthy and productive for the long haul, we must pay close attention to how we respond, take full responsibility when we err, and seek to always honor Christ.

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Relates post: 9 Signs your Hormones may be Hijacking your Leadership

So, should we avoid setting resolutions (goals) for the new year because we might fail? I don’t think so. As the new year begins, it is a great time to evaluate your life and look ahead.

Consider these 6 tips to help you keep your resolutions.

1. Specifically state what you want to do (ie, read through the bible in a year).
2. Really want it. Is it in your gut? Have you decided that you just can’t continue down the same path any longer? Are you really serious?
3. Believe God wants it for you. He wants you to move forward in your faith and in your life. He is one your side. He is on your team. 2 Peter 1.3 tells us, By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. (NLT)
4. Put real effort into keeping your resolution/goal. God wants you to partner with him and put your heart into God prompted resolutions. New birth does not rule out human activity. 2 Peter 1.5 says, … make every effort to respond to God’s promises. (NLT)
5. Break down your goal into small, bite-sized pieces.
6. Enlist help. Ask a  trusted friend to periodically check on your progress.

If you apply these simple steps, keeping a new year’s resolution won’t seem so daunting.

Related posts:

• Making the Most of the Next 10 Years: a simple self evaluation
• Strategic Planning for Dummies
• Strategic Planning for Dummies, part 2

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 Phil. 2.12  Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed — not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence — continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,  13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

As you read each assumption below, ask yourself if you agree. I’ll comment on each of them after the list.

1. What worked before should work again.
2. Church people will always respect a pastor’s position.
3. When leaders stay silent, they are agreeing with you.
4. Reason always prevails.
5. Everybody perceives the same reality.

It’s taken a few years, but each of these has proved grossly false.

What worked before should work again. It just doesn’t. Culture changes. Technology changes. Expectations from church people changes. If we as leaders and churches don’t change how we do ministry, this proverbial definition of insanity proves true: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Church people will always respect a pastor’s position. I do recall one seminary prof quoting Psalm 105.15 (KJV)…  Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm. He used it to elevate the pastor’s role to an esteemed position. It’s nice when people do that, but many in your church simply won’t respect your role. Sometimes the contrary proves true. Your role actually may elicit disrespect from some.

When leaders stay silent, they are agreeing with you. I’ve tripped on this one a lot. Too often when I’m jazzed about an idea and share it with key leaders or staff, I’ve gotten blank stares or simple nods when I first shared it. I’ve interpreted those nods and stares as resounding support from them. After all, if they objected, they should have said so, right then. In retrospect, however, they were just being polite. Although I had spent sufficient time to process my idea, they hadn’t. By not asking questions or providing them more soak time before implementing the idea, I’ve often found later they never really liked the idea. The result? At best reluctant acquiescence and at worst, active resistance. But, when I’ve provided sufficient soak time, the idea often evolved into an even better one that the leaders embraced.

Reason always prevails. Unfortunately, emotion often trumps reason, even among mature leaders. I’m learning more about how neuroscience affects church leadership, especially when hormones hijack clear thinking. Check out my blog on how your hormones may be hijacking your leadership here.

Everybody perceives the same reality. In court, lawyers often use conflicting testimony to their advantage. The same holds true in churches. People simply perceive reality differently. Some may see the church as going great. Others may see the opposite. It can become frustrating at times for every leader. When those conflicts arise, seek wise counsel from someone outside of the conflict who can provide objectivity.

What assumptions have you found to be false in your ministry?

Up to this point in my 30 years in full-time ministry, when I’ve heard that some pastor publicly repented it meant he’d confessed an affair or some egregious sin. My repentance, however, did not involve outright sin, but very subtle attitudes and behaviors that had sneaked into my leadership.

So, in keeping with the Apostle Paul’s thoughts on repentance in 2 Cor. 7.10, where he writes that Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret….I felt God prompt me to share 10 “I repents” with the church that day. Here they are.

I repent that…

1. I’ve allowed myself to get too comfortable in my Christianity
2. By doing so I’ve encouraged you (the church) to stay comfortable in yours
3. I’ve subtly fostered a consumer mentality (striving to make each week bigger and better and hipper than the previous week so that people will want to consume our spiritual goods rather than go to the other hip churches in our area to consume theirs)
4. I’ve unintentionally prioritized bringing people to the church rather than sending the church to the people
5. I’ve allowed the people pleaser monster to rear its ugly head (Prov. 29.25, the MESSAGE, The fear of human opinion disables…)
6. I’ve sought too often to minimize risk and maximize safety (J Oswald Chambers: The frontiers of the kingdom of God were never advanced by men and women of caution.)
7. I’ve allowed organization, process, and systems to trump heart, passion, and people too much
8. I’ve allowed the barrenness of busyness to slither into the church and into my life as well (Bill Hybels: ”Doing the work of Christ is killing the work of Christ in me.” )
9. I’ve not given discipleship the attention it needs
10. I’ve created too great a dependency upon the ‘professional’ clergy