Daniel and his three friends are some of my favorite Biblical characters. They modeled what it means to live a life of integrity, which is taking a beating today.

Several years ago James Patterson and Peter Kim authored the book, The Day America told the Truth. They conducted a survey by asking Americans what they would be willing to do for 10 million dollars. Here’s what they learned.

• Would abandon their entire family (25%)
• Would abandon their church (25%)
• Would become prostitutes for a week or more (23%)
• Would give up their American citizenship (16%)
• Would leave their spouses (16%)
• Would withhold testimony and let a murderer go free (10%)
• Would kill a stranger (7%)
• Would put their children up for adoption (3%)

When I read this my heart sunk. I can only imagine that since that survey over 20 years ago, the same survey would yield even more discouraging results.

However, Daniel and his friends show us these 5 ways we can deepen our integrity in a world that seems to discourage it.

1. Be willing to make tough choices. On several occasions Daniel made tough choices like refusing to eat the royal food and refusing to worship the image of the king. Each carried a potentially deadly penalty.
2. Treat your adversaries with respect. When King Nebuchadnezzar issued the edict for all the wise men to be killed because no one could interpret his dream, Daniel appealed with great tact and wisdom. His actions averted certain death for he and many others.
3. Build your moral compass around Jesus. The story of Daniel consistently reinforces how Daniel kept his deep commitment to God even though he lived in a pagan world and was force-fed that culture’s beliefs.
4. Stay consistent in the small things. At one point the king demanded that the king and no other god be worshipped for 30 days. Anyone refusing to do so would be killed. Daniel’s practice was to pray three times daily to the one and true God. He could have easily cut corners for 30 days. Yet he stayed true even in what could be perceived as an inconsequential issue.
5. Realize that people will either become bitter or better when you live with integrity. Key government officials all ended up supporting and respecting Daniel when they saw how he responded to them with integrity. Yet at the same time others were jealous and were offended at his integrity.

What choices have helped you deepen your integrity?

“I just learned 5 ways to deepen my integrity.” (tweet this quote by clicking here) 

Related posts:

• The Placebo Pastor: are you one?
• 5 Ways to Turn Criticism into Carnage.

Integrity is taking a beating today.

• 20 baseball players potentially being suspended for doping
• Lance Armstrong being striped of all his awards for lying
• The IRS apparently misusing its power
• The Justice Department being accused of lying
• Identity theft occurring to 1 out of 10 people

We live in a world where self-interest seems to trump character and integrity. And, pastors and ministry leaders aren’t immune to the temptation to spin, cut corners, or compromise.

Yet, the One whom we serve lived a life of integrity and He expects us to do the same in His power. Teacher, we know you have integrity… (Matt 22.16, The Message)

I’ve listed 8 benefits of integrity below.

1. It protects us. (?May integrity and uprightness protect me because my hope is in you. Ps 25.21)
2. It gives us confidence. (The man of integrity walks securely. Prov 10.9)
3. It helps us make better decisions. (?The integrity of the upright guides them. Prov 11.3)
4. It reflects well on the Lord. (I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. 1Chr. 29.17 )
5. It sets you apart from others. (these four come from John Maxwell)
6. It creates trust in others.
7. It gives staying power.
8. It extends influence.

What quality would you add to this list?

“I just learned 8 benefits integrity brings to your life and leadership.” (Tweet this quote by clicking here.) 

Related posts:

• The 7 C’s of Great Ministry Leaders.
• What is all our Web Searches were made Public.

Next February InterVarsity Press will release my third book, People-Pleasing Pastors: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Approval Motivated Leadership.

As a scripturally based book, it also incorporates fascinating insight about how our brain influences our leadership and our tendencies to appease and please others in unhealthy ways.

To discover how pervasive people-pleasing is in the ministry I gathered research from two sources. I contracted Lifeway Research to survey over 1,000 pastors about people pleasing and I added to this research the results of a similar on-line survey of 1200 pastors I did for a total of over 2200 pastoral responses.

Surprisingly, 70% of pastors agreed that people-pleasing affects their lives and ministries at some level. In the on-line survey I included an option for pastors to anonymously tell their people pleasing stories. I got 100 pages of heart wrenching stories, single-spaced!

Here’s one pastor’s sad story.

In a church that I pastored, there was a major power struggle with several members who remained very close friends with the previous pastor who actively worked to wield control through these members. I often felt unable to measure up, always trying to ‘minister’ to these folks in hopes that I could win them over, and yet being angry that I couldn't. After two years I left the church and left the ministry. And I felt like a failure as a pastor and as a husband/father. 

Is people-pleasing affecting your ministry?

Take this short assessment to see if it is. Mentally check which statements are true of you.

1. In my church’s board or leadership meetings, sometimes I don’t speak up on an issue for fear of creating tension.
2. Too easily I say yes to someone’s request for me to do something. Later I regret having put that on my plate.
3. I will go out of my way to attempt to change someone’s mind who wants to leave my church or ministry.
4. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not having stood up or spoken up for what I believe.
5. I have kept on a non-performing staff person or volunteer leader too long before making a change.
6. When I need to be firm with someone else, I inordinately delay the conversation and/or after I do have the conversation, I realize I didn’t say everything I should have said.
7. Sometimes I try too hard to be nice.
8. It bothers me when I upset someone. I tend to blame myself for his or her distress.
9. I tread lightly around some people in the church because of their moodiness.
10. When those around me are angry, I become the peacemaker by trying to get them “un-angry.”

How many did you check? If you checked…

• 1-3: People-pleasing could become a growing issue in your leadership unless you do something soon.
• Keep this issue in prayer and stay vigilant of your tendency in the area(s) you checked.

• 4-6: People pleasing is most likely hindering your leadership and may get worse.
• Find a safe, wise leader in your church or a local pastor with whom you can confidentially share your struggle. Become accountable to him so you can stop unhealthy people-pleasing before it gets out of hand. See my blog here on what to look for in a safe person. 

• 7-10: You’re probably angry, anxious, and fearful most of the time and people-pleasing is clearly hurting your leadership.
  • Consider seeing a good counselor who can help you ferret out the cause and help you lead less from an approval motivation.

As you deal with your pleaser tendencies, consider this verse.

The fear of human opinion disables . . . (Prov 29.25, The Message)

How have you seen people-pleasing tendencies affect your or other’s ministries?

“People-pleasing in the ministry: I just took an interesting assessment on people-pleasing.” (tweet this quote by clicking here)  

Related posts:

• The Placebo Pastor: are you one? 
• 10 Ways to Handle the Church Critic  

I recently attended a two-day retreat with Keith Meyer sponsored by the Cornerstone Pastor’s Network. Keith is a pastor and author of several books on soul care including one honored in 2010 as one of the five best books for the leader’s inner life, Whole Like Transformation: Becoming the Change Your Church Needs.

Keith challenged us with several great practices to take care of our soul. Here are the top five that grabbed my attention the most.

• Our longing for Him must supersede our love for His ministry. So often our passion for Christ gets buried in our passion for our church or ministry. When that happens we stifle that vital connection to the Vine, our true source of joy and strength.

• We must slow down enough to go God’s speed. And what is God’s speed? The speed of love and relationships. This one really struck me. Too often in my drive to accomplish my daily goals, I move so fast that I breeze by the relational connections that Jesus most wants me make.

• When we pay attention to God throughout the day, we’re most open to divinely arranged interruptions. One way we can become more sensitive to Him is to ‘pray our day’ and ‘pray our events.’ That is, use your calendar items and task list as cues to pray for your meeting, lunch appointment, study time, or whatever you have planned for the day. When we do this everything becomes a cue to go to Him.

• Memorize long transformative passages like Colossians 3, John 15, and Romans 12. Sometimes we memorize single Scripture verses and use them simply as ‘pills’ to treat our daily problems. Longer passages, however, can best transform our thinking.

• Grace is not opposed to effort but to earning. This one originally came form Dallas Willard, USC philosophy professor and writer of some of the best books on spiritual formation. One of my favorites he wrote is Renovation of the Heart, a must-read for every pastor.

• The acronym VIM captures the non-negotiables for spiritual transformation. ‘V’ stands for vision. ‘I’ stands for intention. ‘M’ stands for means. Again, Dallas Willard was the first to suggest this process. Here’s a great article that unpacks VIM. 

What practices have most helped you care for your soul?

Related Posts:

• How to break the power of hurry part 1
• How to break the power of hurry part 2

The terms spiritual disciplines and spiritual formation practices have taken center stage in many churches and pastor conversations today. Essentially they refer to what we do to build healthy souls. And we all want that. They serve as means to an end, to become more like Jesus, not as ends in themselves. And the most common ones include Bible reading, fasting, and prayer.

While I believe that most pastors somewhat regularly practice the main ones, I have a hunch that we may often unintentionally miss these four. As you read each one, ask yourself when you last practiced it.

• Not having to have the last word. 
• Keith Meyer, pastor and author, tells a story about a student in one of Dallas Willard’s classes (he’s one of today’s leading voice on spiritual disciplines). At the end of one class a student rudely challenged him with a question. With Dallas’ keen mind he could have crushed him with an answer. Yet, he gently responded with, “Well, that’s a great question and a good time to end class.” After the class several angry and supportive students came up to him asked why he didn’t answer. He said, “I was practicing the discipline of not having to have the last word.”

• Solitude for the extrovert and community for the introvert.
• Introverts usually practice solitude easily yet may find it difficult to intentionally break their alone time to be with others. The opposite holds true for the extrovert. Silence and solitude can feel excruciating for an extrovert. Yet, often we need to do the opposite of what comes easy for the greatest impact on our souls.

• Submission for a Type-A, high-D personality. 
• Both those descriptions reflect my personality. I like to be in charge and lead the way. It’s hard for me to take a back seat. Yet when I do so with a right heart, it counters the temptation to become prideful.

• Confession. 
• No one likes to be wrong. Yet, when we do wrong, when we sin, Scripture tells us to confess it. It easier to confess it to God in private. It’s hard to confess it to others against whom we’ve sinned. Yet when we appropriately confess our sin to others, God gives us a deep sense of cleansing and peace in our souls.

What other disciplines do you see that pastors often miss?

Related Posts:

• Brokenness in a Pastor’s Life: a blessing or a curse?
• When pastors get too busy for people: a true story

In my last blog post I suggested that the cure to our noisy, frenzied, busy world lies in practicing silence and solitude. I shared some great quotes and key Scriptures that relate to these spiritual disciplines. You can read Part 1 here. In Part 2 today, I suggest reasons why we should practice silence and solitude and some ways to begin to build that practice into your life.

In essence, silence and solitude are tools God uses to restore our souls by breaking engagements with the world. This discipline is really more of a state of heart than a place. Granted, it does include away-ness from others, but as you mature you can actually be in a huge crowd and experience the rejuvenating power of solitude. It can create the ability to carry around with you your own portable sanctuary, sacred place, place of rest, connection to God even in a loud, distracting world. On the other hand you can become a hermit and never experience the power of solitude. 

Before I give you my suggestions, read this funny story.

A monk newly initiated into his order was told that he'd have to spend the initial 20 years of training in complete silence. He was told that he would only be allowed to say two words every three years. After 3 years of studiously keeping this vow he was summoned before the Abbot and asked if he had anything to say, in two words or less. He replied, "Food bad." Three more years went by when he was again summoned before the Abbot. "Well, do you have anything to say now," the monk was asked. "Bed hard," was the answer. After three more years the Abbot found our friend and asked him if he'd like to speak. "I quit!" said the monk. "Well, I'm not surprised," said his Abbot. "You've done nothing but complain since you arrived.” (source unknown)

Now, the practical benefits of practicing silence and solitude and tips for building it into your life.

Practical benefits of practiing silence and solitude

1. It breaks the power of hurry.

It breaks the adrenalin addiction, the ”have to do” mentality of life. Willard explains it this way.  The person who is capable of doing nothing might be capable of refraining from doing the wrong thing.  And then perhaps he or she would be better able to do the right thing.[1]

2.  It brings spiritual renewal.

Francis de Sales said (1500’s), “There is no clock, no matter how good it may be, that doesn’t need resetting and rewinding twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. In addition, at least once a year it must be taken apart to remove the dirt clogging it, straighten out bent parts, and repair those worn out. In like manner, every morning and evening a man who really takes care of he heart must rewind it for God’s service . . . . Moreover, he must often reflect on his condition in order to reform and improve it. Finally, at least once a year he must take it apart and examine every piece in detail, that is every affection and passion, in order to repair whatever defects there may be.[2]

3.  It reminds us that life will still go on without us

It interrupts the cycle of constantly having to manage things and be in control. It breaks us from a sense of being indispensable.

4.  It clears the storm of life and mind for wise decision making and planning.

Jesus illustrates this in Luke 6:12-13 before he chose his disciples. "And it was at this time that He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God. And when day came, He called His disciples to Him; and chose twelve of them, whom He also named as apostles."

5.  It creates inner space to hear the voice of God.

After Elijah’s power encounter on Mt Carmel with the Baal worshippers he fled because he heard that Queen Jezebel had a price on his head. He hid in a cave and whined to God. God told him to step outside the cave and cover his face because he was about to speak to him. A storm and wind and earthquake and fire appeared, but God was not in any of those. Rather, God spoke in a whisper. 1Kings 19.2…And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

6.  It helps us disconnect from the world and deeply connect to our soul.

Henry Nouwen said, “In solitude, I get rid of my scaffolding.” Scaffolding is the stuff we use to keep ourselves propped up, friends, family, TV, radio, books, job, technology, work, achievement, our bank account, etc.[3]

7. It helps us control our tongue

If frees us from the tyranny we hold over others with our words. When we are silent, it is much more difficult to manipulate and control the people and circumstances around us. Words are the weapons we lay down when we practice silence. We give up our insistence of being heard and obeyed.

8. It helps us with the other disciplines

It enhances the other disciplines.

---

Practical tips to incorporate silence and solitude into your life.

1. Plan for it.

2. Find a quiet place.

3. Be considerate of those who will be affected.

4. Zip it

James 1:26 If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.

5.  Expect some apprehension.

Our busy world often hinders us from looking within, so don’t quit if deep things in your soul begin to surface

6.  Length?

Walk before run.

7. Realize that this discipline comes more easily to some.

I recommend a great book to understand your particular spiritual pathway. It’s a book called Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas. 

What do you find most difficult about silence and solitude?

Related posts:

• Is this the #1 reason pastors succeed? Take this quiz and find out. 
• What this busy pastor learned from a homeless woman. 

We live in a world that bombards us with incessant visual stimuli and noise. It’s easy to become addicted to that noise without realizing it. We often turn the radio on in the car when we drive. We leave the TV on, even though we aren’t watching it. And our cell phones are seldom silenced.

Not only do we live in a noisy world, but we live in a busy one as well. Our time saving devices (cell phones, computers, faster internet connections) relentlessly remind us that we should get more done in less time so that we have more time to get even more done. As a result we are addicted not only to noise, but to hurry. John Ortberg says that, “Hurry is not just a disordered schedule. Hurry is a disordered heart.”[1]

He writes about an article that appeared in a newspaper in Tacoma, Washington, a few years ago about Tattoo the basset hound.

Tattoo didn't intend to go for an evening run, but when his owner shut his leash in the car door and took off for a drive with Tattoo still outside the vehicle, he had no choice.

Motorcycle officer Terry Filbert noticed a passing vehicle with something dragging behind it, "the basset hound picking them up and putting them down as fast as he could." He chased the car to a stop, and Tattoo was rescued, but not before the dog had reached a speed of 20-25 miles per hour, rolling over several times.

He then observes that often we live like Tattoo, “our days mark by picking them up and putting them down as fast as we can.”

Hurry, noise, and incessant busyness are enemies of a healthy spiritual life. I can attest to that in my life. It easily sneaks up on you. But God does not want us to conform to a superficial lifestyle marked by incessant noise and busyness. The Apostle Paul wrote these familiar words.

Rom. 12.2 (NIV) Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I believe the cure for this malady lies in two related spiritual disciplines: silence and solitude. In this blog I quote some famous people who wrote about these disciplines and list some key Bible verses on the subject. I hope this blog will stir your thoughts about building this practice into your life.

In my next blog I will list ways that silence and solitude can help us become better leaders and Christians and I suggest a simple plan that can help incorporate silence and solitude into your life, if you've not yet done so.

But first, some simple definitions.

Solitude: The practice of temporarily being absent from other people (in isolation or anonymity) and other things so that you can be present with God.

Silence: The practice of voluntarily and temporarily abstaining from speaking so that certain spiritual goals might be sought.

Powerful quotes on silence and solitude:

Henri Nowen: “Without (silence and solittude) it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life.”[2] "It is a good discipline to wonder in each new situation if people wouldn't be better served by our silence than by our words."? (The Way of the Heart)

Dallas Willard: “… this one (silence and solitude) is generally the most fundamental in the beginning of the spiritual life, and it must be returned to again and again as that life develops.”[3]

Pascal: “I have discovered that all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they are unable to stay quietly in their own room.”[4]

Austin Phelps (a pastor in the1800s): “It has been said that no great work in literature or in science was ever wrought by a man who did not love solitude. We may lay it down as an elemental principle of religion, that no large growth in holiness was ever gained by one who did not take time to be often long alone with God.”[5]

 Significant Scriptures on silence and solitude:

Eccl. 3:7  there is. . . a time to be silent ...

Eccl. 5: 2 Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

Psa. 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God...

Mark 1:35 Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. 

Luke 5:16 But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Mark 6:31 Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

How has silence and solitude helped you become a better leader?

Related posts:

• Brokenness in a Pastor’s Life: Blessing or Curse? 
• A Great Devo/Journaling App for Busy Pastors 

Is it self-awareness or the lack thereof?

Bill George, Harvard Business School Professor and best selling author thinks so. When he did research for his book True North he interviewed 125 authentic leaders. These leaders revealed that self-awareness defined the essence of great leadership. You can read his article here.

Read the follow 10 questions and rate your self-awareness

1. Am I aware of my strengths and gifts?
2. Am I of where satan trips me up the most?
3. Am I aware of my internal mind chatter that drains me?
4. Am I aware of how I come across to others?
5. Am I aware of unhealthy relational patterns I bring from my family of origin?
6. Am I aware of how much God loves me, despite my faults?
7. Am I aware of how much God loves those who give me fits?
8. Am I aware of when circumstances are setting me up for a fall?
9. Am I aware of my deepest longings and dreams?
10. Am I aware of my blind spots?

Honestly answer all 10 questions.

Did any area of gross unawareness jump out at you?

If so, what should be your next step?

Being a pastor is a high calling, yet pastors often face loneliness and discouragement. Surprisingly, some surveys reveal that up to 80% of pastors face regular discouragement in ministry. If that statistic even remotely reflects reality, then your pastor probably needs your encouragement. Yet, it seems so rare. The influential writer Henry Nouwen even wrote these insightful words.

… there is little praise and much criticism in the church today, and who can live for long in such a climate without slipping into some type of depression?^[1]

If your pastor needs encouragement, should you give it to him or should he just suck it up? If you do want to encourage him, what’s the best way to do it?

I’m convinced that we all need encouragement, even the strongest believer and most mature pastor. In fact, the Apostle Paul admitted he needed it and often referred to those who refreshed his and other people’s spirits, Philemon, Onesiphorus, and the Corinthian church. At times he even asked for it. A key character in the bible, Barnabas, was known as the son of encouragement.

Hebrews 13.17 speaks to this need and admonishes followers of Jesus to respond to their leaders in such a way as to make their work a joy. These translations bring out the meaning.

• So don’t make them sad as they do their work. Make them happy. (CEV)
• Let them do this with joy and not with grief … . (NASB)
• Give them reason to do this joyfully and not with sorrow. (NLT)
• Let them do all this with joy and not with groaning. (ESV)

In the research I did for my last book, 5 Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them, I surveyed hundreds of pastors and asked them how people in their church encouraged them. These were the top six responses.

1. You showed me tangible appreciation (such as small gifts like a gift card to a coffee shop).
2. You let me know that I spiritually impacted your life (such as sending an email to him about a recent message that helped you grow).
3. You prayed for me (such as sending a note telling your pastor that you prayed for him).
4. You accepted and understood me, cared for me, and were there when I needed you (such as communicating in a genuine way that you know how difficult it is being a pastor and that you truly care).
5. You supported my leadership, defended me, and trusted me (such as going out of your way to tell your pastor that you truly believe in him and trust him).
6. You ministered to my spouse and/or my family (such as remembering his or her kids’ birthdays).

The pastors who responded to this survey shared many touching stories and sad ones as well. One pastor even wrote that he wasn’t sure anybody in his church really cared about him. I hope your pastor doesn’t feel that way.

If you’re a pastor, would sharing this statistic with your church in an appropriate way open the door for the encouragement you desperately need in your life right now?

If you aren’t a pastor, what is God prompting you to do this week to encourage your pastor?

Related posts:

• When Ministry Knocks you Down, How to Get Back Up
• Defeating the Demons of Discouragement

Ancient Greek mythology offers an important lesson for anyone in ministry, or in any leadership position for that matter. As one fable goes, Narcissus was a beautiful hunter. As a boy his face looked as if it were chiseled from the purest marble. His beauty attracted others to him but he could never let anyone get close even though they tried to extend their love to him. He resisted because he had found another love.

One day at age 16 as be walked along the mythical river Styx, he stopped to sip water from a calm pool. As he knelt, the image he saw in the pool transfixed him. He immediately discovered his new love, the image of himself. His obsession with his own image kept him from giving or receiving love from others. The story says that because he could not bear to leave his reflection, he lay down by the pool and pined away for himself. Eventually the earth absorbed him and he became the flower narcissus. Thus, the word narcissist came to mean a person who has a fixation with himself.

What are some indicators that a pastor or a leader may be a narcissist? And what are the dangers to his or her ministry and family?

Peter Steinki, a prolific author and church ministry consultant, has working with hundreds of churches and pastors in the last 40 years. He once worked with 65 pastors who had affairs and found that narcissism lay at the root of most of those failures. These pastors’ need for others to value them and their need to feel important led them to sexualize their desires. Their narcissistic tendencies led them to moral failure.

Based on my experience with others and upon the insight of others like Steinki, I believe that if a pastor shows signs of narcissism and doesn’t admit them and seek help, he has doomed himself to failure. The narcissistic pastor lives with an inflated sense of self-importance and an insatiable drive to be liked and to be at the center of attention. Satan will capitalize on these traits and tempt him to compromise his morals and values. A narcissistic pastor will create a false self to cover his fear of humiliation. Exposure to the real person is anathema to him. Steinki says that a narcissistic pastor’s drive to avoid disclosure often results in these kinds of behavior.^[1]

1. Rage if he experiences shame for shame exposes his true self.
2. An inordinate need for praise in order to feel important.
3. The feeling of entitlement to special treatment.
4. The immense need for continual feedback of how important she is.
5. The feeling of superiority and its reinforcement from others.
6. Strong reaction to rejection and disapproval, sometimes with intense rage.
7. The lack of the capacity to mourn, a defense against depression.
8. Calculating and conniving behavior to “maintain” supplies of continuous adulation.
9. An impaired capacity for commitment.
10. No capacity for self-focus or self-examination.

 Unfortunately, ministry can give rise to narcissism. We are often in the limelight and get kudos and compliments from others that feed our egos. In the past two decades it seems that annually some well-known pastor commits adultery or fails in some public moral way, often rooted in narcissistic tendencies. Unfortunately, narcissists often exude qualities we laud: self-confidence, a magnetic personality, strong platform skills, and the ability to motivate others. Narcissism is deadly. Perhaps that’s one reason the bible often speaks against pride and for humility.

I’d like to hear about your experience with a narcissistic leader. Would you add any traits to this list? Have you ever seen a narcissistic pastor change? What helped him change?

Related posts:

• Do Pastors Wield too Much Power?
• Mashed Potatoes, Pride and God's Eyes

One of the greatest strengths a leader can posses is his (or her) ability keep his emotions in check. However, when we feel rejected, hurt, or fearful, we often react, get visibly angry, or becoming defensive. Those responses can hinder God’s work in our lives and hurt our leadership. So what can we do?

Scripture consistently speaks against allowing anger (or any other negative emotion) to control us.

• “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,… (Eph. 4.26)
• Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (Eph. 4.31)
• But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. (Col. 3.8)
• My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1.19-20)

But, how do we control these feelings that sometimes spring upon us without our even thinking about them? Often when we feel angry or fearful, we believe that suppressing those feelings will reduce their power. On the contrary, it does the opposite. Neuroscientists have discovered that when we try to suppress an emotion it negatively affects us in two ways.

1. It diminishes our memory and the ability to see and remember details of an event.
2. Most importantly, suppressing the emotion actually does the opposite. Rather than helping us control it, it actually diminishes the internal resources available for us to respond to the situation in a biblical way. Scientists are now discovering what the Bible said long ago: So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. (Gal. 5.16)

The next time one of these emotions begins to control your thinking and behavior, consider apply the steps behind the acronym CART, a simple way to control an unhealthy expression of an emotion.

• “C” stands for change the situation. If you can appropriately change or avoid your situation so that you can avoid what could cause the emotion, do so. This is the easiest way to ‘nip it in the bud’ before it becomes full blown. Recently I became very angry about what someone did. I was not able to remove myself from the situation because the act was done at a distance. So, the issue was in my head rather than in physical close proximity. I had to move to the next step.
• “A” stands for attend to a distraction. If some event prompts one of these emotions, distract yourself. Look for something else to think about or focus on. In the above situation my anger was rising to a boiling point. I then tried to distract myself by listening to an mp3 talk on neuroleadership which somewhat moderated the emotion. However, I kept tuning out the talk and tuning into my internal self-talk that kept the emotion active. I then applied the next step.
• “R” stands for reappraise the situation. After I realized that my mp3 distraction could not consistently lessen my emotion, I sat back in my chair, closed my eyes, and for a few moments thought about what I was thinking about. This is called mindfulness. I then intentionally began to look at the situation differently. I reminded myself that my love for this person should trump my anger toward her. I told myself that my anger would not change her, much less facilitate a reasonable conversation with her about her actions. As I began to mentally prioritize my relationship with her over her action, the emotion’s intensity began to complete this process of regulating this emotion.
• “T” stands for temper my visible response. At first I tried to suppress my emotion, which only increased it (as I mentioned above). However, after I admitted my anger and reappraised the situation (R), the Lord helped me avoid a potentially unhealthy and damaging reaction toward this person.

So, the next time an emotion begins to get the best of you, toss it into a CART.

What has worked for you to control your emotions in a healthy way?

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This morning I'm sitting in a McDonalds writing my next book (free Wi-Fi). I've set my iphone to remind me to pause and be still each day at 10am and 3pm. I don't always stop, but today I did and read this reflection on Jonah's resistace to God's call on him to preach in Ninevah. In Eugene Peterson's inimitable way, he writes these words.

And why Tarshish? For one thing, it is a lot more exciting than Nineveh. Nineveh was an ancient site with layer after layer of ruined and unhappy history. Going to Nineveh to preach was not a coveted assignment for a Hebrew prophet with good references. But Tarshish was something else. Tarshish was exotic. Tarshish was an adventure … Tarshish in the biblical references was a “far off and sometimes idealized port.” It is reported in 1 Kings 10:22 that Solomon’s fleet of Tarshish fetched gold, silver, ivory, monkeys and peacocks … In Tarshish we can have a religious career without having to deal with God.

Did you catch the last line? "In Tarshish we can have a religious career without having to deal with God." As i reflected on my goals and drive in minsitry, I asked myself these questions, I encourage you to ask yourself these questions and ponder your answers.

1. Where do I find my identity, in Christ or in my ministry?
2. Am I driven to bigger and better ministries so I can feel good about myself? Or can I find contentment “that transcends all understanding” even in what appears to be a dead-end ministry?
3. Is my deepest motive to one day hear Jesus say, “Well done, good and faithful servant”? Or, am I driven to hear the people in the church say it?

What did God say to you when you asked yourself these questions?

I recently read a great article by Brad Powell on the 7-C’s of great ministry leaders. I’ve heard of the three C’s, but his 7 captured the essence of great leaders.

Here are his 7-C’s.

1. Calling: we must have a sense of God’s all where we currently serve
2. Character: perhaps the most important, there is no substitute for integrity and a pure heart
3. Competence: we need the right gifts and abilities to match the  needs in our ministry
4. Confidence: our confidence in the Lord gives us what we need to lead without hesitation
5. Courage: we must be willing to take unpopular stands sometimes and remind ourselves that we play to an audience of One
6. Commitment: if we are going to last for the long haul we must be ‘all in’
7. Continuous growth: a good leader must constantly be learning and growing.

What C’s for great leaders would you add (or any other qualities that don't begin with C)?

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I visited a physical therapist recently to get some kinks out of my  back. As she torqued my left leg into a pretzel, she told me about a friend who recently got news about a life threatening medical condition. As my therapist shared, she felt unsure about what to say to her friend facing such sadness. Even though I've been in ministry over 30 years, the right thing to say to someone sad still eludes me. What should we say to someone like her friend? Or better yet, what should we not say?

Since our youngest was diagnosed with a brain tumor 25 years ago, what people have said to us has run the gamut from perfect to really bad. Most people really want to encourage us when we hurt, but often they say exactly what you don't need to hear.

Here's a few statements to NEVER say to someone in pain, no matter what kind of pain.

• Every thing will be all right. God's in control. (Yes, God is control, but everything may not turn out right.)

• Just have more faith and you will be fine. (Platitude.)

• God told me that you'd be healed/your problem will go away. (Why did he tell you and not me?)

• Could there possibly be some sin in your life? (Sounds like one of Job's friends.)

• My (aunt, uncle, grandmother, etc.) faced the same thing and they were healed. (I'm not your aunt, uncle, grandmother, etc.)

• Well, I'm facing such and such...and this person prattles on and on about himself or herself, seemingly oblivious to your pain. (You really didn't hear me, did you?)

• Just let us know what we can do. (Usually this means nothing or else they would have gotten specific on the spot.)

Words carry great power. Proverbs tells us they have the power of life or death and that a well-placed word is very valuable.

Prov. 25.11  The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver. 

I'd love to hear words that you've heard or said that were like gold in times of pain.

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This is a brief excerpt about brokenness in a pastor's life and ministry from my latest book, 5 Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them.

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Circumstances beyond a pastor's control (demographics or a location that hinders growth), an uncooperative board (they say no to an important initiative), or even family issues (a chronically ill child who requires an inordinate amount of energy) can hinder and dilute our ministry efforts. In other words, we seldom immediately see the benefit from brokenness.

Brokenness has touched my life in the two places where it hurts the most: my family (one chronically sick child, one who rebelled for five years) and my ministry (many dreams yet unfulfilled). But Jesus said brokenness must precede fruit bearing.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.[1]

As the nineteenth-century Danish theologian Søren Kierkegaard said, “God creates everything out of nothing—and everything God is to use he first reduces to nothing.”[2]

Richard Foster, one of today’s most influential voices on spiritual formation, described one of the greatest benefits from brokenness. He calls this the “crucifixion of the will” and says it brings “freedom from the everlasting burden of always having to get our own way.”[3] Having to always get our own way is the antithesis of the other-centered life Jesus modeled for us.

How has brokenness benefited your life?

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Every Wednesday night I take an improv class in downtown Chicago to help develop my right-brain skills. I leave mid-day to miss the traffic and then catch up on my task list at a table at Chipolte. Last week, with my ear buds snug in my ears to block out noise, I focused on my "important" projects. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a dark haired sixty-ish women sitting at the table to my left. As she held a courtesy cup I watched her use a spoon to crush a few lemon slices in water.

Something prompted me to ask her if she had anything to eat. In broken English she said that she hadn't eaten all day. After we talked for a few moments I learned that she was Muslim, had immigrated from Turkey 5 years earlier, and had been homeless for 4 years.

As I heard her story God prompted me to say, "I want to buy you dinner." At first she refused, but then with thankful tears she acquiesced. I bought her a chicken salad and a soft drink.

For the next 45 minutes I set aside my "important" tasks and simply listened to her stories, often as she gently cried. I learned her name, Sabria. I learned that a problem had occurred with her immigration papers that had led to her homelessness. Also, her husband had divorced her in Turkey decades prior, her parents were dead, and she never had children yet two sisters and a brother were still living. She told me that she refused to beg on the street and would not become a "dirty girl" which I understood to mean she refused to become a prostitute.

I told her that the meal (and some money I later gave her) was from Jesus and that I was a Christian. She responded with, "I like Jesus too."

As my class time neared I asked if I could pray for her. Wide-eyed she said, "Ok." After I prayed I left her my name and told her I'd be here every Wednesday at 5. I have an inkling that I may see her again.

Here's what this "God encounter" with Sabria taught me.

1. Too often I let tasks trump relationships.
2. God brings opportunities to serve the "least of these" at inconvenient times.
3. I can't ignore the tasks that ministry requires, but when I am in task mode I must keep my spiritual "peripheral vision" active, looking for those "God moments" with the Sabrias of the world.
4. God values everybody and so should I.
5. True love always costs me something, my time, my money, my listening ear, my ....

We're teaching a series on spiritual gifts at our church. You can listen to the podcasts here if you'd like. As a pastor, the more people discover, develop, and deploy their gifts, the healthier the church becomes.  Here are 6 tips I suggest to others to help them discover their gifts.

1. Ask yourself, "What do I enjoy doing/what do I do well?"

A good indicator of where a person's giftedness lies may be found in activities that give us joy and satisfaction and interests us. Encourage others to get in touch with spheres of service that produce a flow of inner joy, excitement and energy. Helping others find what God made them for produces great joy.

2. As yourself, "If I could I would…"

If I could do ______ and time and money were no issue, what would I do?  If i knew I couldn't fail what would I do to make a difference?  If I could I would address what concerns, area of peoples' lives, or areas in the church to make things better or improve things?

3. Pray.

What do you sense in your heart is your gift? Where do you get a sense of peace?

4. Take a test drive.

Help others jump in and commit for 6 months in a potential ministry to discover if it is a fit.

5. Look for results.

When you exercise your gifts and you are fitted in the right place in your ministry, you will see effectiveness. God will bring about spiritual results in the lives of people because when when we use our gifts, we become a channel through which God’s Spirit flows.

6. Seek the advice of wise people.

Seek out gifted people in the area where you think your gifts may lie. Place yourself under their tutelage. The affirmation of others often can indicate giftedness.

How have you helped others discover their gifts?

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