Circumstances beyond our control (demographics or a location that hinders growth), an uncooperative board (they say no to an important initiative), or even family issues (a chronically ill child who requires an inordinate amount of energy) can hinder and dilute a pastor’s ministry efforts. These experiences can bring painful brokenness to our hearts. We seldom immediately see any benefit from our brokenness.

Brokenness has touched my life in the two places where it hurts the most: my family (one chronically sick child, one who rebelled for five years) and my ministry (many dreams yet unfulfilled). But Jesus said brokenness must precede fruit bearing.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.[1]

The nineteenth-century Danish theologian Søren Kierkegaard captured the essence of this idea with this statement. “God creates everything out of nothing—and everything God is to use he first reduces to nothing.”[2] (more…)

If you’re a pastor, a missionary, or serve in a church, you can’t avoid discouragement, disappointment, and hurt from ministry. The bible even uses the not-so-complimentary metaphor “sheep” to describe those we serve. And sheep get dirty and smelly and often kick and bite. Sometimes those sheep in the church do the same to their shepherds.

So when you  get kicked, forgotten, disrespected, ignored, mistreated, gossiped about, or misunderstood, how do you move forward?

The story recorded in 1 Samuel 30 gives great insight. David had just begun his career to fight the bad guys. Early on he faced a huge defeat. While he and his army were in battle far from home, the bad guys, the Amalekites, attacked the city where his family and the families of his army lived. They burned the city and kidnapped their wives and children. When David’s men discovered this, they considered removing him from his position, not by a vote of a board or a congregation, but with big rocks to the head by stoning.

The Scriptures then record one of the most beautiful verses every written. The old King James Version captures it well.

David encouraged himself in the Lord his God.  (1 Sam. 30.6)

It worked because his guys didn’t stone him but marshaled their energy and once again pursued the bad guys under his leadership.

As I’ve faced discouragement in ministry, these simple choices have helped me encourage myself in the Lord.

1. Acknowledge your pain and emotion to the Lord but don’t wallow in it.
2. Journal your thoughts. Writing them down helps me stop the tendency to incessantly mull over the hurtful situation.
3. Read God’s word, especially those verses that speak of hope and victory.
4. Do something pro-active. Take action to move forward. In David’s case he took specific action to resolve the problem. He rallied his troops to chase down the Amalekites.
5. Stop condemning yourself and remind yourself that you are a child of God, loved by Him with great intrinsic value regardless of whether  your church is growing or whether people treat you with respect.
6. Pray for those who have hurt you. I’m amazed how God defuses looming bitterness in my heart when I pray for the sheep that bite me.

My wife and I have 3 grown kids. One has survived a brain tumor, one was a straight arrow, and one was a challenge. My oldest daughter Heather (our challenge) even co-wrote a book with me about our experience called Daughters Gone Wild-Dads Gone Crazy.

I’ve excerpted 5 insights from our book about how to keep your family intact in the pressure-cooker of ministry.

1. resist turning words into weapons.

Heather got me so angry that at times I said some things I wish I had never said. I wish I could have taken back some of those angry words. Prov. 12.18 (NIV-G/K) Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. One psychologist suggested that we wait 30 seconds before responding in an angry situation.

2. stoke the relationship fire with your children to keep the relationship alive.

If you’ve ever gone camping, to keep the fire going you must stoke it, stir it. Often when I was hurt so much, I had to make a conscious choice to reach out to her in tangible ways to let her know that I loved her. Just small things like simple grace gifts kept the relationship alive. Although I stumbled often, Heather later wrote us a letter that really touched our hearts. Here’s what she said.

“Thank you for never closing your heart to me. I wouldn’t be what I am now if you had…I always felt the love of God from you…through your unrelenting pursuit of me in my times of darkness, through your never giving up on me, through everything you did for me in spite of how horrible I was..that’s how God loves us.”

3. No matter how much your children may hurt you, never close your heart to them. At times I felt like giving up on her. But by God’s grace, I kept my heart open to her. I’m glad I did because I got to experience the fruit of reconciliation later.

4. Keep a good sense of humor. Sometimes you simply must laugh between the tears. One night Heather showed up at 4 in the morning as we caught her climbing into the window on the biggest day of the year, Easter Sunday…I had to keep a sense of humor to keep from killing her.

5. Choose your battles carefully and lose some on purpose. Some battles with your children are not worth the fight. On biblical/moral/ethical values: stand your ground. On personal preferences: it’s worth losing some of those. Dress, a clean room, and some music choices are personal preferences. I love what one person said, “if you can cut it off, wash it out, or grow it out, don’t sweat it.

What have you learned that has helped you keep your family intact?

Related post: If you knew you’d never see someone again, what would your parting words be?

I’ve served in full-time ministry for 30 years in churches in the south, the southwest, the far west and the mid-west. I’ve noticed that a church’s expectations of a pastor vary depending on the region.

When I served a large church in the central valley in California I could easily meet the church’s expectations. I currently serve in the mid-west and I’ve found that meeting others’ expectations is extremely challenging, especially among successful church members. I attribute that to both the business environment here that to succeed you must perform at a high level and to the fact my church sits near four well-known mega-churches with world class leaders and preachers. Comparison comes with the territory.

Every ministry leader faces the ‘measure up mentality’ to some extent. Although we can’t avoid it, we can choose how we respond to it.

Some unwise choices include…

1. thinking we can please everybody
2. morphing into someone we are not to try to get everybody’s approval
3. using “I can’t please everyone” as an excuse to be lazy, not work hard, or avoid difficult problems or people
4. obsessing over those you can’t please

Bill Hull, a leader and writer, shared a profound insight that stirred my heart.  “At age 50 I found myself successful but unsatisfied. I was hooked on results, addicted to recognition, and a product of my times. I was a get-it-done leader who was ready to lead people into the rarified air of religious competition. Like so many pastors, I was addicted to what others thought of me.”[1]

Sometimes I find myself struggling with those same unpleasant struggles Bill described.

A counselor friend helped me understand how our hidden areas influence what we think, feel, and do. He drew a diagram on the white board in my office that psychologists use to help people become more self-aware in their relationships. It’s called the Johari Window pictured here.  (more…)

I’m a leader. I pastor a church of over 1,000, lead a staff of 20, and lead a volunteer base of several hundred. As leaders we help those who follow us to accomplish goals, move forward into a preferred future, and make progress. Thus we often do a lot of telling.

We cast vision by telling

We craft strategies by telling

We set goals by telling

We recruit leaders by telling

We manage staff by telling

Our fast-paced world often tempts us to give quick answers. Followers expect good leaders to act decisive and quick answers can make us appear so.

Unfortunately, we can tell too much and miss one of the most amazing leadership tools: the well placed question.

This morning as I read Mark 2, I noticed a pattern in Jesus’ response to those who questioned Him. That chapter records four unique questions posed to him. Three out of four times Jesus responded with at least one question. In those responses He didn’t immediately tell them an answer to their question. Rather, He sought to make them think about what they asked by asking them a question.

When we build a culture into our churches and ministries that encourages questions, these benefits result.

1. We see reality more clearly. One more well-placed question may surface an important issue you otherwise might have missed.
2. Innovation. Questions can spur new ideas and solutions to problems.
3. Self-reflection. Simply telling someone an answer may stifle his/her need to think through the answer for himself.
4. Perspective. A good question can open up a fresh perspective to a perplexing dilemma.
5. Focus. Questions can help a group or person focus on the real issue.

However, when we use questions as we lead we must avoid these unhealthy patterns.

1. Defensiveness-using questions as a defense mechanism, a ‘tit-for-tat’ response.
2. Aloofness-using questions to avoid answering a valid question because you think it is beneath you to answer.
3. Ignorance-not answering a valid question about which you have no knowledge in order to hide your lack of knowledge. In that case it’s best to say, “I don’t know.”
4. Controlling-using questions to put another into a corner to embarrass him or shut him down.
5. Deflecting-using questions to move a valid conversation to another subject.

Asking questions can become a potent tool in our leadership toolbox.

How have you used questions in your leadership?

Related post: 5 Questions to Help You Clarify Your Leadership Strengths

I love Henry Nouwen. When you read his books you realize this man walked with God and oozed wisdom. I ran across this quote that caused me to think about my leadership.

“There is within you a lamb and a lion. Spiritual maturity is the ability to let lamb and lion lie down together. Your lion is your adult, aggressive self. It is your initiative-taking and decision-making self. But there is also your fearful, vulnerable lamb, the part of you that needs affection, support, affirmation, and nurturing. When you heed only your lion, you will find yourself overextended and exhausted. When you take notice of only your lamb, you will easily become a victim of your need for other people’s attention.

The art of spiritual living is to fully claim both your lion and your lamb. Then you can act assertively without desiring your own needs. And you can ask for affection and care without betraying your talent to offer leadership. Developing your identity as a child of God in no way means giving up your responsibilities. Likewise, claiming your adult self in no way means that you cannot become increasingly a child of God. In fact, the opposite is true. The more you can feel safe as a child of God, the freer you will be to claim your mission in the world as a responsible human being. And the more you claim you have a unique task to fulfill for God, the more open you will be to letting your deepest need be met.

The Kingdom of peace that Jesus came to establish begins when your lion and your lamb can freely and fearlessly lie down together.”

Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Dance of Life: Weaving Sorrows and Blessing into One Joyful Step, ed. Michael Ford (Notre Dame, IN: Ava Maria press, 2005), 156.

When I read this quote, I asked myself which do I neglect, the lion or the lamb. How about you?

Related post: What Pastors should look for in Safe People

Pastors face a common vocational hazard, getting pigeonholed. Labeling is another term to describe this ministry hazard.

It goes something like this. You make a statement in conversation with somebody or in a sermon, you do something as a leader, or you communicate your intentions about an issue. Or you intentionally or unintentionally make known your unique ministry rhythms or daily routine (ie, study in the morning rather than take counseling appointments or take off Mondays and turn off your cell phone so you can take a break from ministry demands). (more…)

This week I’m posting a series of blogs about how pastors respond when people in their church compare their leadership and preaching to others or when they brag about another church by insinuating that we don’t measure up

Yesterday I posted 5 ways we should respond when we feel compared to others more ‘successful’ than us.

Today, we’re looking at really bad ways to react when someone in your church compares you to others. I’ve listed five unhealthy reactions here.

1. Find something about the other ‘guy’ to criticize, like, “We’ll, I’ve heard he’s a real jerk when he’s one-on-one with other people.”
2. Tell the other person that maybe they need to start attending that church.
3. With a sarcastic tone tell that person, “Thanks, I really needed that!”
4. In your mind, beat yourself up about what a failure you are.
5. Go home and overeat, take your anger out on your spouse and kids, or look at pornography.

Yesterday I began a series of blogs to unpack this issue: what should pastors do when people in our churches compare us to other more “successful” pastors.

In that blog, I shared an email a pastor received from someone in his church who boasted about another super-successful pastor and his church. He was tempted to respond with sarcasm.

I don’t recommend sarcasm.

So, how should we respond when we feel compared to others?

Here are my thoughts.

1. Recognize that comparison comes with the territory. As the old adage goes, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”
2. Ask yourself when you feel compared, “Is God trying to teach me something?”…about my confidence in where God has me…about what I can learn from this other pastors…about how I receive unpleasant messages.
3. Respond with a gracious spirit to the person who compares.
4. Don’t read in ill motives. Perhaps someone in your church simply wanted to share how God used another spiritual leader in his or her life.
5. Thank God for blessing the other pastor.